Countdown

One more week - it's my final countdown. Nope, I'm not counting down for Christmas. I can't wait to fetch my boy from the airport on Saturday when he arrives. Although it is going to be a very short trip, but I'm so looking forward to it. It's like the first time I'm looking forward for Christmas and feel like I've done nothing to prepare. And yes indeed, I've done nothing. 

Technically, I have six more days before he reaches, but five of it will be spent working. With classes three nights of the week and spending the other two completing my last assignment, I'll be left  with only Saturday morning to clean up my place, do all the required shopping and be on time to fetch him from the airport - something almost everyone knows that I don't handle very well. But since it's an evening flight, i hope it isn't as bad.

I've to go back to completing my assignment now. The due is tomorrow and my group members have done squat. Been working on it all weekend just watching the hours pass by from sunrise to sunset and the same cycle again. The fucktards did not do anything and I've been doing all the work. I hope to have it completed soon as I've got a meeting early tomorrow morning. Time freeze please!

Ticking Clock

I was once told to ask the person who merely cheated death in an accident the value of one second; it never got to me to fully understand that off recent. 

Nope, I did not get involved in any accident; I knocked into a fucking bitch who though that her cunt dilated half-way turning out of a junction. My poor Suzi suffered from a broken number plate, but the bitches Altis made me burn a hole with a broken and fallen bumper. I was not even having my foot on the accelerator when the knock happened. So much for Toyota fan boys; you are being ripped off your money with shoddy built cars. Anyways, that's a whole different story.

I've been back for three weeks now, and that means we've not met since. Though the chats are constant and the calls are periodical, it is still not the same as being with the person. For someone who has been in long distance relationships, it is still impacting me a lot with him is due to the fact that he is going through a rough patch. 

The boy fucked things up a while ago and is now paying the heavy price tag for his mistakes. In addition, he is employed by another cunt, they always have to ruin our day, who is pretty much a slave driver. I'm very sure he'll never let me get close to the bitch whenever I'm in town. He is also stressed out about his scholarship application as he wants it badly.

He is coming in a couple of weeks and will be here for Christmas. That is making me look forward so much to him coming over that is making me feel every second pass by. Somehow, knowing the fact that he is coming just after my semester ends is making me deal with assignment dead lines better as they now somehow appear as an obstacle between me and him - I'm letting my mind fuck me once more.

The crappy part about this whole setup and false excitement of him coming down is I'll need to deal with my finals in just a week after he's back to Indonesia.

I've yet to do my Christmas shopping and I highly doubt the tree would be going up as well this year though I have a better reason to do so this time around. I for one, just don't have enough time to shop for a tree or gifts. Noticed there are two in the office, maybe I should just bring one home. I'm currently thinking if I should hop on a flight to Singapore next weekend and pick up a scarf from Massimo Dutti, though it would call for some major scolding from him for wasting money.

I still have two more assignments to complete and clean up the house which has morphed into a pigs sty before he comes. 

A tree going up would require a Christmas miracle to happen and gifts shopping is leaving me clueless. Whatever it is or however much work I have, I still feel the clock tick with every second that I'm not with him though I don't have enough time to get everything done before he comes. 

Contradicting?  Not a chance..go seek the value of a second

Indo Loves Mie

So here I am just spending time in my hotel room overlooking the slumps of Jakarta doing particularly nothing important other than still deciding what to wear this evening for his performance. 

It's a little crazy thinking how often I'm coming here until the stupid immigration officer gave me a stupid look and a tough time at the airport the other day. He had to irritate me further after flying for two stupid hours with Malaysian Airlines.

how long are you here for?

one week

why?

break

show me your return ticket

i only have an electronic ticket, no printed copy

you need to show me your ticket else i can't stamp your passport

really? don't stamp it then, just ask your officer to talk to me

where would you be staying?

jakarta

where?

hotel

which one?

sparks

why are you here?

my boyfriend lives here, so i'm here to be with him. is that a problem?

I get the look; gave him the dirty look and got passport stamped with a 'welcome to Jakarta, enjoy your stay'. Like what the fuck for waste my time? If I want to reside illegally, I'd choose a country with a higher GDP.

Time to get ready and go watch him in action. For those who are close, they know who he is and what I went through. There were lots of ups and downs along the way, but it was worth every while, I hope.

Tonight is going to be another night of fun and enjoying loads of good food. I miss him already...

Time Management

It's been a long time since I found the time to get onto my blog; there is so much to rant about with all the many things that happened along the way. However, prioritizing what is much more important and requires more attention has caused a gap in between me and my ranting avenue.

Juggling work, three subjects this semester and a whole lot of other activities of which sadly non relates to personal entertainment barely gives me time to log onto the internet at the end of the day to do my own stuff. By the time I'm done for the day, I'm just so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep and not wake for a long time.

The time challenge is making me rethink of my stand of pr-planned rants. Maybe it is a good idea to just sit down and rant out everything that is in my head when I have that extra little time and save it for future postings. 

Anyways, I should go back to studying for my test later this evening as I have much more to complete and I don't really know what I'm doing. The mind is somewhere else right now and I was dropped a bomb last night just before i went to bed at almost four in the morning and it make me think even more.

It's a good thing that I'm off next weekend for a short getaway, but the timing now somehow doesn't feel all that good as I've got so much more to do and I have so many deadlines to meet once I'm back. Worse, I've got another test on the Monday that I'll be back. Looks like the getaway will be warranting for my books to be travelling with me. 

Part of me wants to cancel the trip, but another part wants to go to clear out things that is pending to be sorted.

The one thing I should knock into my skull is that playing with fire will eventually get me hurt. Burnt a couple of times, but still going for it. 

Daredevil - Not!

Idiot - More like it.

Time to get back to the books...

Round 2

Barely a month after my break and with all the holidays in between and I find myself booked for another weekend away. Woohoo!

I'm so looking forward to party in style this October with the friends made during my last trip and pick-up more hotties along the way.

It's time to also stock up on more Indo Mie supply as I can't get enough of it.
Time to start scouting around. But first, I need to nurse my hangover from the clubbing last night and also not forget to register for my next semester. Classes will be starting in a couple of weeks and I still haven't finalized on the papers I want to sign up for.

With the pimple break out now, I need to find a solution to cover it effectively and made heads turn tonight. I've become an attention seeking whore. Hopefully, this is short lived. I prefer not being noticed.
Too much attention leads to too much drama which will then cause more headache. 

Playing With Fire?

Indonesia was simply awesome - I almost enjoyed every bit of it except for Bali where it made me feel that each and every local had only one common goal; rip the foreigner. Nevertheless, I found some nice spots and good food joints that I'd like to bring him someday. 

Bali was a place I always wanted to only go with my partner, but due to reasons I went earlier. And it somehow work out for the betterment, I guess. I now know the better places to go for a nicer holiday. Kuta and Seminyak are nothing but just slumps of the island.

If I were to rate my liking for the cities that I went to, I'd list them as follow - Bandung, Jakarta and Bali. I should have holidayed and explored this country much earlier. The people there are so much nicer than the commonly constipated Malaysians. I did make some many friends along the way and met a lot of interesting characters. 

I do feel grateful for the having the trip as it made me clear up a lot of things and clear a lot of clutter along the way. Retail therapy was good and I officially declare that I speak better Indonesian than Malay. 

While having a really good time there, I do think that I somehow started playing with fire as well too. 

I got to know someone along the way and we have been keeping tab since. Its been almost three weeks now since I returned but the conversations are still on going on a steady flow. It's a whole lot scarier that I've not physically met the person.

Those who are close to me says that I'm liking him and that I'm in denial of it. Me, on the other hand, am not sure how to handle the situation. I realized this morning that I subconsciously look forward for his messages or message him first thing in the morning daily and he is always the last person I talk to everyday as well. 

All this is a feels quite scary now that I just recovered from all the drama and semester is just about to start and it somehow feels like history repeating itself.

Whatever it may be, I just hope to not get myself in the same circle once more. Time will tell. 

Til then, I'm planning for a party this October in Jakarta; the night life is pretty fun with a cheap price tag. Me gusta

Indo Me

Sweet Awesome! 

I've been long waiting for this day to arrive, but knowing me, everything was still left to the last minute. I do really doubt I could possibly go any later than this. I left office close to nine this evening and by then, I had yet to pack my bag. Luckily I changed some money yesterday, else I'd be going without any Rupiah tomorrow; just some left over USD from my previous trips.

I'm hoping it'll be nine awesome party nights, but I do have some reservations since its the fasting month right now. Talk about bad timing. Grrrr...

Nevertheless, I'm sure it'll be a feast to my eyes since I do go crazy over Indonesian hotties. It's like they have the perfect tan - well roasted nuts.Yummy!

Too late to regret not forcing myself to the gym to pump up a little, but I'm still pretty sure I'd do alright. Fingers crossed.

I better set my alarm earlier tomorrow as I've got a morning flight to catch and I don't really want to be running after my flight again. I do have a pretty good track record of running after flights and having me being called over the PA system.

Just the thought of no laptops or ringing mobile phones is making me feel so much better already. I might consider doing a phone book clean up tomorrow while flying, there are some weeds that needs cleaning up.

It's time to shop til I drop and savor some Indonesian delicacies.

Synchronized Diving

I decided to take a slight detour after visiting my grandmother in the hospital on late Monday evening to the pub just to clear my head a little. Drove me to my favourite spot and got me my regular. I was just sitting there enjoying my drink and sinking in to the live band which by the way isn't bad at all when my attention was suddenly taken by one of the screen.

They were screening men's synchronized diving. All those hard bodies and skimpy trunks. Drool to the max!

So there I was enjoying watching pairs after pairs of almost perfect proportion of male physique. Exercising my eyes to the max as well with all the well sync diving. One eye focused on each guy. Such a visual treat. Not bad for a Monday night at all.

   

     

 

It's already Wednesday and I have neither changed any currency nor packed my bags. I still have so much to do with so little time. I could make do without the luggage since shopping is the main agenda, but I've to ensure that the money has to least been changed.

Healing Wounds

It's been two months now that things ended between us. A lot has happened since with many nights of tear shedding along the process of emotional lows. 

At least I know I'm on the right track of recovery but I do admit that I'm not fully recovered just yet. It's funny how it's taking a longer period to get over someone rather than to fall in love with that person. Certain things in life just don't make much sense.

While I still do miss him occasionally and am so tempted to touch base with him, I've to constantly remind myself to not do it. He has made it very clear that he has moved on and that I need to get a grip of myself and get along with life. It always made me wonder how do some people have the ability to move on so fast in life. It's one thing I can't - prolly it's the Libra in me.

But anyways, I'm just so lucky to have some great friends who were there by my side all the time and never got tired of listening and consoling me whenever needed.

Don't want to think too much. Three more days and I'm off. Still haven't really decided on much currency to change. I hope the ringgit, which barely happens, to get stronger just so I could benefit. I might stand a better chance if i were to hope for the rupiah to drop instead. 

Time for my mask.

Accepting Reality

So I got my results late last week and I'm trying very hard to not think about it. The results from this semester is so bad that I'd classify it as " as good as failing". However, the thought is still lingering and I find it hard to accept it as I've never gotten such terrible grades before. 

I was talking with a friend over dinner about this and he suggested that I may consider putting the blame on someone else for such degrading results. I tried to think what could be the reason for me to blame it upon, but I could just not simply think of any.

I do know that I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I was going for my papers but I don't think I can blame him for choosing the exam period to end things between us. Ideally, I'd like to point fingers at my brother, but it isn't his fault either. 

It was my choices made then that caused this. The only thing to do now is to accept reality and work harder for my coming semester. The only consolation I have from my grades is that I don't have to see either of the lecturers from the previous semester again. 

It was one semester where nothing happened right and I had the perfect combination for a disaster to happen. I just am glad it's all over now and hopefully the coming one is better. I've decided to get my hands involved in juggling three papers and a full time job that wears me out daily. Let's see if I can push myself to new limits.

Countdown

It's time to do my final countdown, five more working days and I'm off. I can't wait to get into some serious  cheap shopping. 

I've manged to get all my bookings sorted and now what is left it to pack and change currency. Since I'm planning to shop, I don't really see the point of bringing much stuff along. I might just only bring along my toiletries which should not take up much space, hopefully, though many would choose to disagree with my product range. 

I do not plan to use my credit card whilst being away as I've already done enough damage on it over the weekend thanks to Ebay and Paypal who made shopping so convenient - damn the internet. Got a little overboard shopping for my models and now I'm thinking of the damage caused plus I need to arrange for it to be delivered to my friend's place since I won't be around. Her mother is already not happy as some of my mails have been redirected there off late and she has to now look out for my mail in her letter box too.

Anyways, since I'm not bringing my plastics over, I've to ensure that I bring enough cash for my expenditure and not run out half way through. I still can't decide on how much to bring along or rather,say how much do I plan to invest in buying the basic necessities for me to sustain myself. I guess I should just draw lots instead in deciding on the amount needed to be exchanged.

I've to also work on my bargaining skills as I've not been buying stuff off places where the price is negotiated. This is one area where I successfully fail. And besides, the language barrier is going to make it all the more challenging. 

I'm so looking forward for a week without any laptops, mobile phones or any sort of device that can be used to track me down. I've to call up DiGi and make sure that my roaming is deactivated while I'm away. I don't want anymore calls; the phone ringing non stop last week was bad enough.

Time to start packing. Less clothes, more libido. Yes!

Disorder?

I have moved back to my little hideaway nest, away from everyone where I get to spend time all by myself and only go out if when I want to. It does certainly feel good to be back home after so long being forced to be around since my brother hid my keys.

It's really an uphill task cleaning up the place to level where it is humanly habitable. I've not been able to clean my house since the end of march and it is really dirty. Though I've got most of the cleaning up done, I'm still not satisfied. 

Was chatting with a friend the other day when he mentioned that I've got OCD. Brushed it off. Then another friend who came by for dinner caught me in the act of cleaning the power points with a cotton bud and told me that I need professional help. :(

I do admit that I'm quite a clean freak, but where is the line drawn? For me, I don't think disinfecting your house is overboard or cleaning the power points with a cotton bud is overboard. I mean, how annoying is it to see dust in them. 

In fact, using high pressure steam to clean your bathroom should be the proper way to clean the wall tiles especially in the shower room. But many digress.

Now, I'm really beginning to wonder if i do need help or it is just acceptable to have my place cleaned the way I want it. And mopping the floor every alternate day is perfectly normal. The society we live in. Sigh...

Lost Heaven

Finally, got back!

I never had imagined that I would miss my house this much the day, slightly over four years ago, when I got my keys from the developer.

It just feels so nice to be back in an environment where I have all the space to myself. Listening to the water flowing from the pool below with soft jazz music in the background and relaxing in a candle lit environment. The peace and tranquility is just what I need right now. It feels like I'm now at some getaway without all the unwanted trouble. The place needs some minor scuffing and it'll be as good as new.

I also now have the intention of installing timber flooring for my house as one of my clients is in this business and he told me that he would make me a deal. no harm exploring that option. 

This is the time to just sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the evening with my wine.

Another worthy news came by earlier; I got my scholarship. This means I'll have more money to shop next week. Woohoo!

Smoother Drive

Driving is really stressful with all those idiots on the road. It gets worse during weekends when you get the weekend drivers on the road together with a whole lot of mothers and their monsters in the cars.

But they are not the worse of the lot. 

The real road hazards are those bitches that wear the overly sized goggles and drive like cunts on the road. 

The roads would certainly be a better place when female drivers are banned and men who drive like they've got cunts in between their legs rather than dicks too. 

Subject Matter

Someone told me that I attack certain people on personal levels which is not appropriate, but rather should target the matter. I tried to comprehend it, but I still can't grasp the idea behind it.

For me, there is always a person behind any matter. So, why spare the person and talk about the matter. When you discuss the matter, it hardly fixes the problem as the person behind it is still at large and could still go about causing the same shit at a different time. 

For instance, corruption is currently the talk of the town as wherever I go, I mostly hear people talking about it. but why don't they talk about the people behind this corruption and find ways to weed them off. It would certainly make the world a better place when these parasites are wiped off.

The same goes to racist bastards. I was reading an article sometime last week if not wrong about a senile old men who was making a racist statement regarding college diplomas being recognized for employment in the public sector. Retards like them ought to be send to homes for the mentally unstable as these people are worse than terrorist that can cause distress to an already fragile community.

So there you go, this is why I still think why people should be focused at rather than matters as it takes a person to cause a matter. If not for the person, the matter would not arise in the first place. Always go to the root of the cause. 

Will I continue to target at people? Only when they deserve to.

Do or Should I?

I told myself that I want to have a lazy weekend as I've been running around a lot off late. So, I decided to stay in today and just chill as the weather was fucking warm to begin with.

After a nice breakfast with a friend of toast and local coffee, I got back home and got online getting ready to laze. The reason why I did not turn on the idiot box instead is because I needed to plan for my upcoming holidays since I've not done anything other than book the flight tickets.

As I was surfing through the various sites trying to plan my days and also find for the hotels, I got an IM message from someone I least expected, Jace. It was exactly mid day when Jace messaged me. 

Hi

Hey

How are you?

Could be better, but not complaining. You?

Good...do you know what day today is?

Sunday...and it's the 15th. 

Happy Birthday!

So you remember..

Should I not? Anyways, what brings you up at the stroke of midnight to be online?

I knew I'd find you here and wanted to hear you wish me.

Ok-kay...

Whats news then? Are you two still together?

Yea, we're planning to tie the knot, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do

Why not?

I don't know. It's complicated.

Oh, take your time then. Don't rush into things that you're not sure yet.

Hey, I'm glad I managed to catch you and have you be the first person wish me. And, I'm glad you still remember.

:)

There is no reason for me to forget. 

We need to talk...

I would love to chat with you, but not right now. I'm just recovering and I don't want anything that'll stress me up further. I want some time off everything and everyone.

I got to go. Have a great day with him and say hi to mom. May all your wishes come true and you be happy always. Remember, you look best only when you smile. Take care

I really don't know why he had to come about and have that conversation. It's already difficult for me dealing with everything that is going on. 

I have so many things up my head that I forgot my friend's birthday yesterday, missed paying for my credit card and that I was supposed to catch up with another friend at KLIA this evening who is flying off.

July is not shaping up as my favourite month. My sales number are still running on a negative thanks to the idiots who fucked the invoicing last month, two of my close friends are leaving the country. There are so many birthdays that I'm forgetting to wish and I running short of cash as I jolly well forgot to submit my claim.

I got myself a replacement Blackberry as the only consolation. I can now go back to typing emails whilst driving and just hope it doesn't end up in a tragic death like the previous. 

Three more working weeks and I'm going for my holidays. Serious shopping time needed! Can't wait.

The Manganiyar Seduction

I went for this show last night after rushing all the way back from KL not knowing how many tickets I collected along the way. The one thing I can safely deduce about Malaysian drivers is that a whole host of them are such numskulls that they fucking fail to understand that the right lane is not for you to take a leisure cruise on the motorway. 

I drive fast, I admit. But I'm not reckless or dangerous on the roads. I know my car and its limits and the only traffic rule that I choose to not bother adhering to is the bloody ridiculous speed limit. 

It's gotten so stupid that it's beginning to feel like it's a cheap tactic by the current government to generate more revenue from the motorist to sustain the expenditure of the current government which seems to be looking more desperate each day in fishing for votes on the upcoming elections.

In any event, thanks to the numskulls who drive like retards on the right lane, I at least didn't fall asleep cruising along.

After a quick shower upon reaching home, I rushed to catch The Manganiyar Seduction which was held in conjunction with the Georgetown Festival. It was a real shame that there wasn't enough publicity with regards to this event as I myself almost missed it if not for being stranded in the rain earlier last week. 

The show was held over the weekend, where Friday was the inaugural performance here and last night was the closing show. The upside was that I managed to secure good seats since many weren't aware or simply not interested.

The show itself was mind blowing. I honestly have no idea if it was a musical, theater, an installation, contemporary or traditional. It was simply awesome as theater was used to create magic in music. The effect was great as it was well coordinated and you could not predict what was coming next. 

I wished there was another chance for me to witness the magic it brought once more. 

And during the show, I managed to get answer as to why the two of us didn't work out. Such an odd situation for clarity.

Its no wonder they have traveled the world. Simply Amazing

Dreams

I hardly have dreams and most often than not, I can hardly remember my dream once I'm awake. But the thing I hate most about those that I remember off, they become reality soon. 

Off late, I've been getting a lot of dreams. And they are haunting me during the day

While I was in KL the last time around, I was telling him one day that I dream that when I got back to Penang, he was with someone else. Well, it didn't exactly happen that way, but he told me that it's over even before I got back. But the point is it happened. 

Like this, many other things have taken place - things that I dream off. The only difference is some happen faster than the others.

The other night, I dream about my exam results, and as expected, I failed both my papers. Sad indeed, but I was still very much calm and composed as I've already anticipated it for the result as I was so ill prepared for my finals with all the drama that took place.

Alongside it, I've also been dreaming of him a lot; almost on a nightly basis. The dreams are very nice, but it isn't reality. And, it just fucks me up when I wake up as I can't forget it.

I just wished these dreams stop coming as they hurt me. I can't afford to be anchored down emotionally and these visual images ain't any help. Not especially the way they appear in my dream. I always see him as the warm, caring and loving person I fell in love with.

Would this dreams become reality like the ones before? 

I really don't know what I want in this case. 

I do hope that I wont fail my papers, as I don't want to see those two lecturers again for another semester.

The dreams with him, well, it were happier moments when he was warm towards me. It's not bad, but I don't think it's something that'll happen. It's better if they stop coming. It'll be easier that way.

Farewells

Over the last couple of months, I've been constantly getting messages from close friends leaving. Like why must everyone suddenly decide to leave and that too in such notice? I could so not handle this kind of drama. It's bad enough that I'm not fully back on track and when all these close people start breaking the news, it just sucks me further into a depressed more.

It all started in may when a close friend told me that he'll be leaving to Singapore end of the month for work. I knew it was in the pipeline but I was still upset as I was not in town when he was leaving and I wont be around when he is coming back next month. My only hope now to meet him is during the race, but there is so distant and I'm not used to not catching up with him for such long periods of time.

Another close buddy is leaving to Germany within the next couple of weeks. I hope I get to catch up with him before he leaves as I'd be down in KL later this week. 

The missus called me yesterday afternoon and broke the news that he got an offer in China and will be leaving at the end of this month. As much as he riles me up every time without fail, I'm gonna miss him a lot once he's gone. Meeting up with him as well is going to be real difficult. It'll be like during the time when I was in the UK and he was here and he went there just when I got back here. Life sucks!

Just when I thought three was bad, another friend informed me earlier over lunch that she got a job offer in Bangkok and is leaving too. The job would base her in there but she'd be spending most of her time in Australia and New Zealand. 

No doubt, I'm happy for them all as they are getting out of this shit hole, but i'm just sad as these people are my close buddies and I'm having lesser of them with everyone going further. 

Feels like I'd soon be spending my weekends on Skype with these people rather than being able to hang out with them.

Maybe I should just reconsider the scholarship and study full time. But what about my grandmother. Aaaargh!

The bright side to this is that I have more places to go to with free lodging. Yea, I can live with that thought for the time being.

Mid Year

Six months of the year has passed and so much has happened. For me, I still feel like it's only March cause that's when my brother came down and my normal routine got disrupted. 

The year begin pretty well with lots of travelling, both for work and personal. The trip to Vietnam was good, near misses of flights and my London trip was the best especially that I met Jace there. Coming back from that, i was working on a new job offer which eventually I took up and that's something I have no regrets so far as I'm now working with a better manager compared to the ass kissing emotional bitch I had to deal with previously, though the workload has more than doubled.

Things took a twist in April when I met him and realized that I had fallen in love. It was a nice feel initially but then it came back to hurt greater when he decided to pull the plug. The timing for that could not have been any worse as it surface just a couple of weeks before my finals for a semester that I was already struggling to begin with. Now that the exams are over, I feel like I have too much time at my disposal, but it'll be taken up spending more hours in the office maximizing my pay check and planning my Indo trip - the last planned holiday for the year besides the Singapore night race.

The first quarter generally was colourful while the second quarter started of nice but it didn't end that way, unfortunately. If anything I learned from it was to only be stronger and never to really trust anyone.

I'm looking forward to a more optimistic second half. Hopefully I don't put my phone into the washing machine once more or have to run for my flights. 

And despite all the drama that took place, I got to know some great people along the line who was there for me standing by my side and listening to me patiently while I was at my bottom most low almost all day long and at odd hours of the night. You guys know who you are and I can't thank you enough for being there for me. *Hugz*

Reunion

30th June was marked in my  calendar for many reasons. From the very initial of spending the day with him and present him the chain to cancelling it for another corporate event to flying to Singapore for the weekend only to be replaced to Vietnam and finally scrapped that for a high school reunion. 

It has been so long since I left high school. So much have happen since and the contact being kept with the classmates became lesser and distant by day. The introduction of Friendster and Facebook did somewhat help to keep people closer, but the anti social me who never signed up for any of those social network crap was just drifting further. Funny enough, some of my best friends that I hang out with are indeed from my high school days.

I was contemplating whether or not to go for the luncheon earlier today. Part of me did not want to meet anyone and have to update what has been going on for the past decade or so. Also, the heat with the haze coupled with kids (the organizers insisted on a kid friendly event) that would be there just gave me shudders.
While I was having dinner with one of my ex classmates last night, she insisted that I go and be her driver for the event. Hesitantly, I agreed after much persuasion and being threaten at the same time.

Started the day early driving around the heritage area finding for some graffiti that's creating a buzz in town which I didn't know of despite staying here - so much for having a life. After roaming the streets in town and walking a lot under the fucking hot sun being looked at like a foreigner in my own place, it was finally time for lunch.

We were among the last few to get to the place, it has to happen with me; can never be early, and as I walked into the banquet hall, I was like, damn, I still manage to hold on to my looks and look young-er. It was such a good feeling to be still looking my age if not younger compared to the rest of them. Getting married and having a family life sure does make a person age faster.

While everyone else looked at least five years older I still look five years younger. Damn syok!

I'm thinking of installing a full length mirror near my bed so that I can look at myself first thing in the morning when I open my eyes. And, it's time to start taking collagen too - time to make a trip to the pharmacy. 

Vain? At least I still look good, that's all that matter.

Take Home Boy

A while ago I ranted about the ideal partner on my criteria of what kind of a person would get my attention or rather make me interested in him. When I made this list, I definitely missed out the following:

• If you fucking snore, I will just wake you up and show you the door of my house. I'm a light sleeper and my sleep is important, so no negotiation there - sorry dude.
• If you think you could be smart with me, as in fuck around with me, think again. 
• The rules of hierarchy as in where will you stand in my list of importance:
• My Snoopster
• My Car(s)
• My Collection
• You 
• If you have intentions of changing who I am, don't waste your time. I may be distracted for a while, but I'll get back to who I am. You can't change perfection. Now, can you? :P
• You will never get the keys to my car, I'm the only one who steers it. The only other exception is my mechanic.
• I will give you my house keys but with restricted and monitored access.
• I really hate wet showers, so if you're the kind of person who wets the entire bathroom other than the shower area, keep distance please. Thank you.

So, if you think you can't live with this list and don't fulfill all from the previous, don't waste my time. I wont nudge. 

And yes, I'm one fucking materialistic person, self-centered, vain and crude at the same time. Tell me something I don't know. 

Holey Feet

I was going through the files in my lappy when I found this file. It was taken back in 2009, two weeks after my surgery and Jace swore at me when he saw it. I was trying to be a hero an asked for a local anesthetic with the surgeon and after some persuading, he agreed. However, when I saw the blood soaked cotton ball, I think, I just fainted. LOLz

The lighting is pretty bad though and not so very clear. If only they had higher resolution cameras back then on the mobile phones.

It's been almost three years now since the surgery; the scar is still visible but the root cause has been removed. If only everything else could be removed this way.

It looks pretty scary now that I'm seeing it but I managed to survive it then not begin able to walk for a good month.
I need to regain the old me. Where do I find him?

* I hold no responsibility if the above image spoiled your breakfast, lunch, dinner or supper :P

Love Proportions

I found a rather interesting mail earlier when I was checking my mail. It was sent by a friend and read the following:

share 20% of your love with yourself,

70% of your love with family and friends,

and 10% of your love with your partner.

It got me thinking reading the mail as it actually makes perfect sense. the lesser you love someone, the lesser it hurts you back. Though 70% of it is dedicated to family and friends, but the amount each individual would get is little as it is a larger pool. This does sound like a perfect self-defense mechanism to prevent a heart break, especially if it happens at the worst of times.

And this is how I fucked myself up:

10% of my love was with me

15% went to my collection

20% is with my Snoopster

30% is with my circle of friends ( this includes my bitches, bros, and sayangs )

15% was with him

Though he got the same amount as my toys, but it is diluted as my collection is growing. The sad part was because of when things happen, I failed to make the time to spend with my Snoopster. 

Okay wait, how the hell did I come up with the proportions? Oh fuck - this is what happens when you spend too much time understanding and manipulating with number. My statistics paper is still haunting me.

Anyways, I got a call from my silversmith, the chain which I ordered for him was ready and he asked me to collect it. Picked it up earlier and it kinda hit me again, just when I was on the track of recovery. I'm such a looser for loving someone so much. :(

I do not know if I should keep it or just get rid of it. I don't feel like keeping it because it was bought with the intention of giving it to him. Then again, it doesn't make sense to just throw it into the bin. I'd prolly just sell it on ebay

SOMEDAY

I stumbled upon this clip on YouTube last night when I was searching for something. It's worth watching and it shows much more civilized our friends down south are compared to here.

These are the things that make me wonder why I'm still wasting my time in this country. But the government aside, the mentality of the people here itself doesn't warrant for such events. What this country needs first is the cure against racism, the rest will follow suit.

Maybe someday...

Memoirs

Picked up my mail earlier today and the letter box was almost full. I've hardly gone back since my brother came down and it was impossible to go back after he took my house keys. I managed to get my keys back today after a much tensed lunch.

The mail was either junk or just more bills. It was one bill after another from utilities to assessment to subscriptions and the most damaging plastic card you could ever own - the credit card. It reminded of the number from Destinys Child. Gosh, I've really aged.

I opened the envelope which was so thick that it felt almost like a pamphlet in there. The statement itself was six pages and the total amount ; well, I almost fainted.

As always I was going through the transactions made just to ensure there wasn't any unwanted charging and I noticed the amount of times I used my card whenever we went out. 

It isn't about the amount spent that upset-ted me, but the memories of the happy moments being with him then hurt more. 

All the nights out, gift and weekend spent together just flashed back right in front of me once more. I really do miss him and his company, especially on weekends. It was some of the happiest moments thus far for this year. Lucky, I do not get a statement for whatever was charged onto my debit card, else that would be another painful incident. 

I've no idea just yet as to why he waltz into my life. Part of me wants to know, but the other side is fearing for another round of emotional low. 

Whatever it is, I am happy I got to know him. He is really a nice guy and deserves someone better. I just now hope he'll keep to his words and at least just be friends. But that doesn't seem to be in the horizon as well. 

Perhaps he needs his space to wipe me off. I'll just leave it to him to contact me, whenever he is ready. He told me to keep myself available to watch brave once it premiers next week. I don't know if it'll be appropriate to ask him if he still wants to watch it together, as friends I mean...

Sleeved Traits

There are certain things in life that you just grow out of, then there are other things that doesn't seem appropriate anymore after a certain age. Also there are some things that you stop doing after meeting someone or a certain life changing incident.

Many, I know got more religious and started giving all the bull crap that how great a certain religion or faith was over the other. Posting all the social activities that they carried out. Now, if you want to do something good and feel good about it, why the fuck advertise it to the whole world? Still pondering...

Being me, I never did get into any of those sort, and I don't see myself, based on current situations, to ever will. But I did put to an end on certain things. My life has mellowed down a lot, I prefer terming it as growing up since I'm not matured, but others define it as boring. Whatever it may be, I had my reasons for doing so and I have had no regrets letting them go.

Was chatting with a friend earlier when I started mentally listing the things I've given up since. It was a pretty long list that I could come up with in a surprisingly short time.

One took a hit on me when recalled. It was a situation that supported the notion of me wanting to just forget everything and get happy for a while. I ran through my phonebook and called the last person I thought I would ever be calling. 

Minutes later he came over still looking the same as before and passed me what smelled so familiar even after many years. A fresh pack. Since I don't have my house keys thanks to my brother, I drove to a secluded area, make sure the windows were up and started rolling the way I liked it best - fat and thick. Had a few puffs and the car began to get all smoky and I could feel my fingers curling up. A feeling that I've lost memory off. 

I could not even finish a joint as it was getting so bloody saturated in the car. It started reminding me of my uni days where we used to pass round a joint in the room and everyone got all high and doing stupid things - good old days. 

I was just embracing the moment and when it hit me. What the fuck am I doing! My Suzi now stinks and she is sure going in tomorrow for sterilization. The trip to the car wash is going to be hell.

Do old habits really die hard or it's just bad string of events that causes you to seek solace and run to the most deeply buried hidden secrets? It did feel good then, but I'm now nursing a bang in my head. It's post three and I should be sleeping. 

Internal Stories

It's almost two weeks now since he broke the news to me. I am now in a position to believe that I have caused what has happened to me. Some of my rantings prior to the incident was picked up and it hurt him; thus his reaction. There is no one to be blamed or fingers pointed to as it was and is my fault that caused me this. I have no defense and I don't want to defend anything other than I was missing him so much that I fucked things up myself and am now crying for it. From our last dinner conversation I hate with him, it was pretty clear that he was really upset and has made up his mind to not reconsider. 

One thing that I learned since he waltz into my life and changed things up for a while was it is very important to make sure you know how the other person perceives matters. Like for instance, we have both have very different perception when it comes to decision making. For me, discussing before coming to a conclusion is more important as the decision is then a mutual one where both parties agree. He on the other hand, prefers me to let him know what I want and he then decides to agree or not on the matter. It's is something I wouldn't do as I deem that to not be democratic at all as it'll create a more dominant force between two. It's all matters of perception.

Likewise, he defines maturity as someone who stands firm on a decision. And by that, it's more of a situation whereby once a thought has been addressed, it should not be changed. Me, however can change things based on situation build up. I've been trained to work around obstacles during my moulding years and work on a probability concept. It is something which I've since learned that most people don't get with. Many who think they know me think that I do not know what I want. In actual fact, I do. I know what I want. But because of the way my mind works, I have many things in my head with different percentage of level of importance. And what I plan today will and may be changed tomorrow depending on the circumstances then.

For me, it's like I have a 'to do list' but the items on my list are not in order. I will do what and when it is most feasible. He however works on that list in a particular order. Due to our different approach, he sees me as someone who is immature. Also, when I weigh and make a change to a certain decision once it has been made, he sees me as a person who doesn't stand on firm grounds. For me, it's not about being uncertain, but basing on situation and choosing what is best. So at times, what I plan to do five minutes before may be different five minutes down the road. And no matter what anyone says, I find this method to be most useful for me, as I need to make many last minute decisions for work depending on the level of severity. But I still make sure that I get my days job done by the end of the day. 

All these has actually let us to form a rift. I no longer have him by my side or stand a chance of getting him. I do really miss him a lot and I may be living in denial hoping that I'll get a second chance. 

I have no idea why he came into my life, but one thing is for sure. I truly appreciate his presence for when he was in it. I at least know there I still have some warmth in me as I miss lying on his chest and hear his heart beat while feeling his ever soft breath of my face.

Dear, you always asked me what I loved so much in you. If you really want to know, after everything that happened to me, you brought back life into me. I feel feelings once more, experienced being happy, cared for and the list could go on. My first paper is in a day and I really wish I had you to stand by me. You gave me strength and a reason to believe in myself the last time around. Now, I feel alone and scared. 

I really miss you and I hope we  can start over again. But I guess that is just wishful thinking...

Weird Conversation

As I was walking to my car after work last night, I just thought of calling my dad to say hi. It's been a long time since I spoke to him or went out. Furthermore, I even totally forgot about his birthday as I was swamped by work later last month. Not that I care much about birthdays, but just for courtesy sake.

While we were talking, I asked him where he currently was and he told me that he is here in Malaysia, and I was suddenly all excited that it may be a chance to catch up with him. But, he had to continue that he was leaving on a business trip this morning and will be away for another couple of weeks. It's a good timing no doubt, as my exams would be over by then and I should have more time to spend with him. But then again, spending too much time with him will lead to the same question as to why I do not want to join him in his business and if I'm seeing anyone. I could answer the former, but I'm not sure how would I answer the latter to him considering the still vulnerable stage I am in right now.

Wanting to change the topic, I asked him what brought him to town. And that's when he started telling me stuff. He came back for a medical check up and was informed that he is suspected for some kidney related shit. He has since gone for a second and third opinion and the general consensus says the same. The doctors suggested dialysis for him, but he doesn't want as it'll impact his mobility and run the business. Honestly, I know that isn't the reason. Dad has somehow given up on many things including his own well being since the divorce. When I asked him what his next step was, he just said in a low spirited voice that he'll continue the prescribed medication and see how things shape up. 

We just continued talking crap for a bit when he brought up the topic of the will. I've always made it clear to my father that I'm not interested neither his money nor his property. I'm contended with what I have. When I brushed off the idea of his, he got quite defensive of the situation and said certain things that I didn't want to hear. Not now, not ever.

Anyways, after a long argument, I just told him to do whatever as he pleases and ended the call. As I was driving back, I was just thinking of whatever he said. Maybe I was just to harsh on him. I think the dinner would be a good idea and let him do whatever he wants with his money. Whether or not I accept it is a different story. 

A charitable organization wouldn't be that bad a consideration to pass the ball to.

Exam Stress

My finals begin next week. I've got so much to do and my brother is still around. I barely have time to study. I'm beginning to panic and freak out. I have so many tasks on hand and I don't see myself with time to study at all. I just don't know what's going to happen.

My manager asked me to go for a networking event tomorrow morning, I tried to turn her down but she is one lady that doesn't want to take no for an answer. At the end, I had to give in as part of a negotiation for what I asked from my director last week.

I'm going to see my reverend tomorrow afternoon. He called me earlier to let me know that the talisman for him has been blessed. I'm not sure if I should tell my reverend that it's all over or I should take it and ask him if he still wants it. I mean, he was the one who asked me why I didn't get him one the other time when he saw me wearing one after visiting my reverend just prior to Wesak day. I don't know to garner the courage to not break down in front of my reverend. I need to find it somewhere, somehow.

I just hope I don't fail my papers and have to resit them. I don't like both my lecturers this semester and it has been a bad one for me. The only thing that hasn't been slapped onto my yet is death. I don't want waking up one day to receive the news that I've lost my Snoopster. I don't think I can take it anymore. 

Thank You & Goodbye

The way I would judge someone is by his words of commitment. For instance, if you say you want to do something when, then fucking do it. Else, let me know before hand that you can't cause I don't want to be wasting my time waiting for you to do it. My time is money to me, every minute I waste waiting, is another opportunity wasted to spend some extra dollars making more. Regardless, if it's work or personal, the core still applies. 

When he decided to stab me exactly a week ago, he said that he doesn't have the same kind of feelings for me like I did for him and suggested that we remains friends instead. Though it was done is the most cowardly fashioned possible, I still expected him to keep to his words. Firstly, I should have figured what kind of a person would drop such a bomb over a chat conversation. The least anyone could do after misleading someone is to at least tell him/her in a more civil manner. After all, I was supposed to be back the next day. 

If you were such a ball-less coward who dared not say it in person to my face, then why the fuck even bother to suggest at least being friends? You are such a coward that you dare not face reality in the eye. And you very well proved that during lunch on Monday. You pulled your friend and walked away just because you saw me having lunch with my friend there. And stupid you, you thought I did not notice. I've told you many times before that I'm very much aware of my surroundings though I may seem not to. What were you expecting? Me to go up to you and ask you why did you do what you did? Dude, I wouldn't do that. I'm not that low and uncivil. You meant something to me, but you didn't as much for me to be crying over you for the rest of my life. I got over Jace, how hard do you think it'll be for me to forget you?!

And next time, don't ask people to commit to something you can't yourself. Stop misleading and being a leech. Also, don't be such a coward. Have the decency to face the truth like a real man. And being gay doesn't make you any lesser of a man. It's your attitude that matter, not your gender!

Thank you for letting me know who you really are much sooner. At least it saved me a bigger heart break. 

Despite all this, there is much good good in you. I wish you well with your new job and hope it all works out well for you. You may have your reasons for doing what you did and how you did it - whatever it may be. I still would't mind being your friend. I'll leave it to you to decide. After all, you always said that rule # 1 is that you have the say and Rule #2 is that I can't disagree with rule #1.