Now and Forever?

Many a times, I have quite a number of things in my head but when it comes to penning it down, I just don't progress. Last week was busy with dinners every night until the bf complained that he was not getting enough attention.

It was a series of eight nights lined up with eight different groups of friends, each wanting to be hanging out. As much as I am tired of going out night after night, I can't say no to them as it'll be disheartening for many due to  the effort most of them put to accommodate my time.

While I was out with a couple of my girlfriends one of  the nights, one of them made a toast to our friendship. A toast to twenty odd years of friendship and hopefully many more. We knew each other since we were kids, into teenage, young adults and still growing. No one knows what installed tomorrow, but the journey we have shared all these while was full of colorful memories. From the simplest things of playing with water balloons to relationship tangles right up to rushing to the emergency room, every incident was a moment to cherish. I still remember how she work the word idiot into her wedding toast simply because I was a mere five minutes late and calling me at four in the morning when her then boyfriend had just proposed. All the times we went clubbing and could barely walk back to our cars let alone drive home. The amount of stupid things we'd done in public places and that once when we went for a party and I ditch her half-way when I met someone who got my attention. 

Yesterday, The Mrs came by. He flew in all the way just to spend the weekend. While we were just sitting in my balcony and talking, little did we realize that we've known each other for over a decade now. His presence has also undoubtedly painted my life with many colorful stories. We never really did all that many stupid things together as much as we used to quarrel, argue and fight. But somehow, the bond just grew each day and we share a very, what my other friends term, delicate love-hate relationship. 

While these two are the most colorful of characters that I have in my life, the rest of my friends are no less any different. We are all so close that at times the invisible boundary seems to completely disappear. They are closer than family to me for these people have been there for me all this while, good or bad

I just hope that our relationships would last the test of time and the bf could be part of this amazing circle as we all age together gracefully.

Lost & Found

It's been almost forever since I last ranted here though I've had more disposable time since I'm still not working, but I never made it to rant initially was simply because I was just plain lazy, then I forgot my password.

The last few months had been not so hectic as there wasn't the need to go to work, more particularly the no need to see the bitch's face in the morning and hear her screeching voice squeak. 

I had been spending time working on my research, some light travelling and catching up with friends and hanging out til the sunrises.

I finally remembered my password earlier this evening and managed to log into my account. While this happened, I have now forgotten all the things that I wanted to rant about along the way. Will spill it all out once I recollect my thoughts and hopefully not forgotten the password once more. 

I've been forgetting passwords off late that some of my accounts have been suspended :(

0.5

While many talk about the May 13 incident that happen way before most of those discussing it like they had experienced the incident first hand, I have my own share for this date. However, mine doesn't draw back to what happened 44 years ago; I'm just too young for that. 

My phone beeped at one sharp this morning when I was out having a drink with my friend with a message reading "happy anniversary". At the back of my head, I was counting back to how many months since I've known him and have we been going out this long? 

I have to admit that I did become a little absent minded off late with so many things going around me and me constantly thinking of a few things at a go. I do remember when I go for my breaks so the math didn't seem quite right.

Anyways, for those close to me, they very much know that I got to know him when I went to Indonesia last August and met him for the first time back in October. I still very much remember the look on his face when I gave him his birthday gift over dinner as we chatted through the night. I was so attracted to him, that I flew back within a fortnight to meet him once more and successfully persuaded him to accompany me on a shopping hop-over in Bandung.

It was on this date, six months ago in our room, in a beautiful villa which had a huge ceiling height glass panel overlooking the valley beneath where he told me that he felt the same for me and agreed for us to be just more than friends. It is a night to remember, the night where I was the happiest boy in the world.

Six wonderful months have passed, lots have happen. We have had good times laughing together, then there were quarrels and arguments, him nursing me, surviving an opera which felt like eternity for me, constantly getting caught checking out other guys, whining over mall food, shopping together like there was no tomorrow, grocery shopping to cooking at home (it was disaster spelled in every language), stuffing him with all the Penang food, to tongue darting right in the middle of a club - thankfully it was a gay friendly club and I swear it was the alcohol that caused it, to name a few.

I just am happy that I've met him and where we are currently. I don't want to think too much the future is still a blank canvas that we paint on each day making it present to only look back at what's been painted, known as the past. For now, I'm looking forward to meeting him next week and us spending time together understanding each other more and getting closer while he puts up with more of my nonsense along the way.

I love you Stinky!

What Went Wrong

The much awaited elections are over, the results are in and life goes on. Many are not happy with the results for speculations went wrong. While the faithful phone was working overtime last night with updates of informal and formal results pouring in, hopes were getting high from the lows and vice versa.

It was the talk of the town, from coffee shops right up to business meetings where everyone was more interested in the possible formation a new government. Was it too much a wishful thinking that there would be a change of was everyone blinded by their own shortsightedness. There were undoubtedly moods of change screaming through the electronic media but was this the true reflection of the nation as a whole, especially at the more rural areas of the peninsular and east Malaysia which made up of more seats compared to the urban areas where main stream media still is the nucleus.

For many in the urbanized parts of the country, the cash handouts through various political marketing schemes were seen as vote fishing, but these petty sums for some, meant something for the rural poor. And this is what that gave the ruling coalition another term in the corridors of power. I am not saying the polls were just neither am I saying it was adulterated. Look deeper into the results and it will answer certain questions.

When I was asked about the results prior to the election, I did not expect a change in the government but speculated for certain states to have a new administration. Many told me I was pessimistic and I was also lambasted for not being a registered voter. This would have been my third vote should I have registered upon turning twenty one. For that, I used to always just laugh out loud saying that no one would ever win by a one vote majority and Penang was sure a clean sweep. Not doing my duty as a citizen, maybe. But, I have my own reasons for choosing to do so.

As the results were coming in and the winner becoming more apparent, the faithful phone started going frantic once more, this time around with people expressing dissatisfaction and a sense of disappointment. I have to admit that I wasn't happy myself with the results, but I saw it coming. Despite the mental preparation, it did hit me to a certain degree.

What this polls have thought me is that to always look at the bigger picture and not be influenced by your immediate surroundings. 

That said, its not a total loss for the opposition and it isn't victory spelling success for the coalition. There isn't the much needed 2/3 majority and it is thinner compared to the previous election. Much is needed to be done for a better Malaysia.

The results are going to be another coffee shop session and business meeting talks. Thankfully for me, now that I am no longer in the business world, I can excuse myself from the business talks but may succumb to the coffee shop talk as it's always interesting to have different sights and views on the same matter.

All said, I will still not register myself as a voter and do not wish to be actively engaged in politics though many still pester me to do so, register that is, and always ask for statistical analysis on the possible outcomes.  It was very tiring in the run up to the elections answering different quarters with a different lingo almost each time. Equally tiring is consoling all those who had high expectations and lost hope along the way, post elections. 

What matters now is for me to complete my studies and graduate within due course. After that, it'll be full gear trying to secure myself in a place where I can live legally with my partner. 

This may be the reason why I'm not looking at registering myself as no matter who comes into power, my boy and I would never be able to live here legally. 

Selfish? Hell yes! Right or wrong, this is my opinion and I know I'm entitled to one.

Home?

I'm back, but I don't feel good. Though I was there for almost a week, it somehow doesn't feel like I was there that long. I feel so miserable and am not sure if it's the haze but the eyes have been teary since. It has to be the haze.

A friend of mine messaged me earlier this afternoon and asked me if I was back home. I just didn't know how to reply.I feel homesick now that I'm back and I'm very much comfortable being there. Where is home now?

The saying goes by home is where the heart is. By that basis I would say there, but my life is built here. Everything, well almost everything, is here for me except him. But why do I feel so miserable and it's really hitting me very hard this time around after coming back.

I'm so tempted to go back and spend more time with him. It just feels like we didn't spend enough time together this time around. 

I need to get back on my feet, it's impacting him as well that I'm not happy and I can't do that to him. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Overdue

It's a capital F moment currently. I've been working all day and night to complete my submission which was due this afternoon and I'm not anywhere close to completing it. My brains are saturated and I am just having a mental block. I can't seem to write.

Accompanied my boy earlier for an interview and was chatting away with the head hunter while he was with the client. I have myself now a couple of interviews lined up. Like what the fuck!

I'm going to put on my jogging shoes and embrace the jammed roads running away with the chaos happening out there. Hopefully I don't get run down by any vehicles and can find my way back and that should help me continue working on my proposal. Thankfully he had to go back to office and will be working late this evening. Else, I doubt there would be any work happening tonight since it's a Friday night. 

Aaaargh....I need a beer. An ice cold one!

Boo Time

I met my boy last night, after not seeing him for more than a month and a half. For once, I was early to the airport and I reckon it was due to the fact that I wasn't working. Sadly, my flight was delayed and I had too much time to kill. So, I ended up working on my proposal at the airport - something I really hate doing as people would just try to look into your screen. Stupid me, I didn't know that the premium lounge was already opened at the airport.

Anyways, after two stupid flights with MH, I finally reached his place and as I was walking out of the airport, strangers were talking to me in the local language. Hello, can't you see that I'm no local here and I barely know what the fuck you're talking about. 

Even the immigration officer was asking me so many questions in the local language until I started seeing stars after a while. But it was good cause she gave up and decided to stamp on my passport. I figure that she was asking why was I only travelling to one country all the time as my current passport has only this country's stamp.

So, here I am, a thousand miles away from the comfort of my cave with my boy. He's at work at the moment and I'm forbidden from going anywhere close to it. I better continue working on my proposal as I've to submit it tomorrow and there is no work progress once he's back. Tonight would be dinner on the top with great city view and hanging out with his friends.

I miss him already...

Routine Change

It's been so long since I made time to rant; been keeping everything to myself with my boy occasionally listening me rant. Thankfully he hasn't grown tired of it.

I've decided to stop taking shit from idiots thus quitting my job to fully concentrate on my studies for now. It is quite a decision but enough is enough working with idiots and I want some time for myself and my boy. It's been a month plus since we met and I miss him very much.

I'm officially jobless from today and when I woke up this morning, it just felt so weird as for once, I did not have to rush for work - a change in routine after such long time. I'll need to adjust to this new routine of mine of becoming more anti social as I'd be pretty much working from home most of the time writing my dissertation.

Prolly this would be a good time to do some reflection along the way and go back to some charity. I'm thinking of spending more time at SPCA and getting back to meditating as I miss doing it. Reactivating my gym membership would be a good idea too as I have the time to squeeze in for a work out during the off peak hours where people are only more interested in being seen and showing off. 

But first, time to visit my boy. Got to pack my bag, change some money and fly a thousand miles to be with him.

'Til The End of Time

My Snoopster passed on this afternoon by the gate of the house. It was just not right seeing him lying there by the gate where he'd normally be sitting excitedly barking away knowing that I'm around. For once, I saw my dog lay motionless. I just did not know how to react and I still can't that he is no more with me. I'm trying very hard to convince myself that he is in a better place, but it is just not working.

I have been crying non-stop all evening and I just don't know how to express myself. I can't even bring myself to pour out here as my eyes are all teary and my keypad is soaking up the tears from my eyes.

All I want him to know is that there is no one that will ever replace him and I will live with our memories together. I will cherish all the happy times and never forget how he was always there to greet me every morning with a healthy coat of saliva, how he used to force me to take him for his car rides and his walks.

Snoopster, you may have left me physically today marking a black spot in me, but I know that you'll always be by my side with me in everything I do, like how you always have been.

I will always love you.

'Til we meet again....

Counting Down

Two more days - I just need to survive this two days and then I get the break, the break away from the manager from hell. The thought of no need to see her face or listen to her harp is just so luxurious right now.

I am really tired of her being a bitch and I don't know how much longer I can have the energy to put up with her. What really bamboozles me is that why did she just change suddenly. She was bearable as a manager and much better than my previous one though not the best I've worked with. But right now, she is being a real pain in the @$$.

I'm so looking forward for the long weekend where I'm just going to lock myself at home and catch up with all my TV shows that I've been missing. It'll also be a good time to clean the house since the BF would be coming down. 

I still have not thought of what or how to celebrate Valentine's day with him and I am just hoping now that my manager wouldn't be the constipated bitch she is then. Only time will tell. Sigh...

Serial Killer Akin

A friend just highlighted to me earlier on what I've missed that happened somewhat a week ago. As I was hearing him tell me what happened from over the end of the line, I could not help control my tears from clouding my eyes, eventually forming a trail down the cheeks.

I still find it hard to believe that anyone could get so low and do such an inhumane thing. What the fuck did those poor innocent elephants do that they deserved such faith. 

This is just unacceptable and worse, it happened in a forest reserve. What the fuck was the forestry department doing and how did it happen in the first place. A lot of things just don't make any sense. There are so many questions lingering in my head right now.

I sure would like to see how the investigations unfold, but I don't have much hope on anything especially since it happened in this forsaken country. 

The bastards who are responsible for this tragedy as as evil as serial killers and ought to be stoned to death if not sent to the gallows. It is very saddening that animals in this country do not get any kind of protection and people responsible for causing them pain and agony most often walk away with no punishment.

source: thestar online

The above image is just so saddening - its equivalent to having a child left next to his dead mother. I am just so disturbed right now.

The next time anyone walks up to me and says that I'm sick because I'm gay, I for sure am going to tell them gay I may be, but I don't murder which is much better. 

Time to adopt an elephant; it'll be my second adoption after the tiger I have living somewhere in India, if not mistaken. 

Dinner with Dad

Dad called the other day when I was in Indonesia and I told him that I wasn't free and would get in touch with him once I'm available later. 

We went out for dinner earlier and the conversation wasn't much different from the norm. He would normally go on to ask how was work, studies and if I'm seeing anyone before trying to talk me into accepting his 'gift'. 

However, there was a slight change from the well prepared answers of mine since he did not try to even talk anything about the property.

As we were dining and talking he showed me the key to a new set of wheels. As I'm usually deliberately late for my meetings with him, I almost instantly knew what make and model it was since there was once parked right in front of the restaurant. It was drooling point since I've at one point thought of getting it, but that would have meant a major lifestyle change which is not really worth it, and silently hoping that he'll say that its for me. HAH!

Pretending to be stupid, this is how I made a fool out of myself in front of him

what did you get?

i know you saw it as you entered like how i know you've been frequenting to Jakarta off late. when would you start telling me what is really going on with you?

what do you mean?

why didn't you just tell me you're seeing someone there instead of brushing it off as a business trip.

are you stalking me?

you're eyes tell that you're happy; something that i've not noticed in you for long

you're being silly now. nothing of such, stop thinking too much

if that's the case, then i'd just keep the tt to myself

...

it was meant for you since you finally met someone that you really like a lot and are being so committed and i thought it called for a gift of growing up, but since there isn't anyone special in the equation, i'd just spin it around myself.

What the fuck did I do, I just screwed my chance of having a car given to me and it was a spanking brand new unit, I think.

Ah well, I still manage to keep up to my stand of not accepting anything from anyone. 

I'm still wondering though how did he manage to get the inside scoop about me frequenting to Indonesia and what do I do there. It has to either be my grandmother or brother. 

But I'm happy nonetheless that he has no issues when I showed him the picture of who is guilty behind the happy eyes, if they are any happy to begin with.

Missing Winter

I've since come to realize that I'm only finding time like once a month to visit my space. I neither have the time nor the energy to rant the rest of the time. A crazy workload coupled with reporting to a bitch who always wants to win without knowing how to say no or having a plan to be constantly on the top is taxing by itself, but it is still better than reporting to a ball-ess prick like in my previous job.

Reporting to a bitch aside, the weather is driving me crazy as well. It's just so fucking warm. And to make things worse, the traffic which is so constipated almost daily is just a driver to the point of insanity. Hiding away in an air-conditioned room all day isn't much help as the heat and the glare from the windows still make know of its presence. 

I've got a dinner invite tonight, but the thought of going out in such weather is just bringing shivers to my spine. I'm just feeling so lazy to even go for my evening jog under this crazy weather though there would be much retreat to the eyes.

Maybe I should just plan for this 14th as he is coming down then because he wants to spend Valentines day together. It's quite a task for someone like me to think of anything as I don't normally heed for such days brushing them off as overly commercialized. 

Time for a dip in the pool and decide if I should talk him out though I want him around or think of something. Please there be a pool boy....

Dry Spell

It's been a while since I've been able to constantly rant over here. Though I have many things that run through my head during the day to bitch about, but by the time its the end of it, I'm just too tired to turn on the laptop and rant my way through. At times, the thought just disappears, somewhere in the noodles.

Since I've been not very well off late and with the exams pressure, I somehow seem to have more time to dispose online and have been reading some of the blogs and forums that I follow, or rather used to follow. Its quite nice to see that how things have unveil for some while others still continue scrambling for answers. Then there are those who continue being who they are - hot air pockets, and a few snipers along the dotted boundary.

I on the other hand, have nothing in my mind these few days to rant about as nothing much has been happening around me, other than being constantly drugged up hoping to recover at the soonest. I hope that it'll all be gone soon as my last paper is in a couple of days and I can get back to my feet. 

Do like to get out and get him a little something for when I meet him later this month as I did not manage to get him anything either for Christmas.

Last night he told me that the personal trainer at his gym approached him and ask him to train under him for body toning. i'm not too sure what was the expected reaction from him telling me this, but I just told him to go for it; better if he could flirt with the trainer to get some free sessions instead. Not too sure what impression has been cast upon, but he told me the trainer is not his type. Hmmm.... damn the meds that's making me think stupid now.

Anyways, until I get my noodles shocked to ramble, I shall just take some time for an afternoon nap. The weather is just so freaking crazy hot. F!

Bumpy Start

Christmas was good as, what someone referred him to as: Indo Food, was in town. However, I've not been well since he left and my sinus problem is only getting worse by day. It's been almost two weeks now that I'm under the weather and there are no signs of significant progress. And, to be honest, i'm sick of popping pills.

The year did not begin on a good note for me; I don't like being unwell and for such extended time isn't any good. I've been pretty much at home - know how does it feel to be under house arrest. Though I've not been working for some many days now, there is nothing much that I've been doing since all the medication is pretty much making me sleep all day - sucks.

I had a paper yesterday and I could not do it as my brains still fuzzy from all the medication and I feel like a wasted opportunity since it was a rather simple paper. The fact that I didn't study at all for it is not a depressing as opposed to the fact I could not concentrate for the paper. I should have listen to my doctor instead and gotten myself admitted and to only re-sit for this paper at a later date. It does now seem like a good idea for the remaining two papers this Monday and Tuesday. Maybe I should just pull myself together and go out for a bit, that ought to make me better, hopefully. I might just go for my usual evening jog later which has been neglected for almost three months now. I do see the ugly dent surrounding the tummy area :(

Speedy recovery is much warranted as I want to spend some days with him in Jakarta later this month. All the flying last year has gotten me enough point to redeem for free flights. Woohoo!

On a totally different note, there are a few emails from some anonymous  readers who have been asking for pictures as apparently I'm very secretive with who I am. The main purpose of this ranting space is for me to speak my mind out freely without bothering about taking care of anyone's feeling. The best way to do is by being unknown. However, for those who want to know how do him and I look together, this picture is for you. 

Opposites do attract. I'd say we're two different individuals who just happen to like each other.