It's almost two weeks now since he broke the news to me. I am now in a position to believe that I have caused what has happened to me. Some of my rantings prior to the incident was picked up and it hurt him; thus his reaction. There is no one to be blamed or fingers pointed to as it was and is my fault that caused me this. I have no defense and I don't want to defend anything other than I was missing him so much that I fucked things up myself and am now crying for it. From our last dinner conversation I hate with him, it was pretty clear that he was really upset and has made up his mind to not reconsider.
One thing that I learned since he waltz into my life and changed things up for a while was it is very important to make sure you know how the other person perceives matters. Like for instance, we have both have very different perception when it comes to decision making. For me, discussing before coming to a conclusion is more important as the decision is then a mutual one where both parties agree. He on the other hand, prefers me to let him know what I want and he then decides to agree or not on the matter. It's is something I wouldn't do as I deem that to not be democratic at all as it'll create a more dominant force between two. It's all matters of perception.
Likewise, he defines maturity as someone who stands firm on a decision. And by that, it's more of a situation whereby once a thought has been addressed, it should not be changed. Me, however can change things based on situation build up. I've been trained to work around obstacles during my moulding years and work on a probability concept. It is something which I've since learned that most people don't get with. Many who think they know me think that I do not know what I want. In actual fact, I do. I know what I want. But because of the way my mind works, I have many things in my head with different percentage of level of importance. And what I plan today will and may be changed tomorrow depending on the circumstances then.
For me, it's like I have a 'to do list' but the items on my list are not in order. I will do what and when it is most feasible. He however works on that list in a particular order. Due to our different approach, he sees me as someone who is immature. Also, when I weigh and make a change to a certain decision once it has been made, he sees me as a person who doesn't stand on firm grounds. For me, it's not about being uncertain, but basing on situation and choosing what is best. So at times, what I plan to do five minutes before may be different five minutes down the road. And no matter what anyone says, I find this method to be most useful for me, as I need to make many last minute decisions for work depending on the level of severity. But I still make sure that I get my days job done by the end of the day.
All these has actually let us to form a rift. I no longer have him by my side or stand a chance of getting him. I do really miss him a lot and I may be living in denial hoping that I'll get a second chance.
I have no idea why he came into my life, but one thing is for sure. I truly appreciate his presence for when he was in it. I at least know there I still have some warmth in me as I miss lying on his chest and hear his heart beat while feeling his ever soft breath of my face.
Dear, you always asked me what I loved so much in you. If you really want to know, after everything that happened to me, you brought back life into me. I feel feelings once more, experienced being happy, cared for and the list could go on. My first paper is in a day and I really wish I had you to stand by me. You gave me strength and a reason to believe in myself the last time around. Now, I feel alone and scared.
I really miss you and I hope we can start over again. But I guess that is just wishful thinking...
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