Reunion

30th June was marked in my  calendar for many reasons. From the very initial of spending the day with him and present him the chain to cancelling it for another corporate event to flying to Singapore for the weekend only to be replaced to Vietnam and finally scrapped that for a high school reunion. 

It has been so long since I left high school. So much have happen since and the contact being kept with the classmates became lesser and distant by day. The introduction of Friendster and Facebook did somewhat help to keep people closer, but the anti social me who never signed up for any of those social network crap was just drifting further. Funny enough, some of my best friends that I hang out with are indeed from my high school days.

I was contemplating whether or not to go for the luncheon earlier today. Part of me did not want to meet anyone and have to update what has been going on for the past decade or so. Also, the heat with the haze coupled with kids (the organizers insisted on a kid friendly event) that would be there just gave me shudders.
While I was having dinner with one of my ex classmates last night, she insisted that I go and be her driver for the event. Hesitantly, I agreed after much persuasion and being threaten at the same time.

Started the day early driving around the heritage area finding for some graffiti that's creating a buzz in town which I didn't know of despite staying here - so much for having a life. After roaming the streets in town and walking a lot under the fucking hot sun being looked at like a foreigner in my own place, it was finally time for lunch.

We were among the last few to get to the place, it has to happen with me; can never be early, and as I walked into the banquet hall, I was like, damn, I still manage to hold on to my looks and look young-er. It was such a good feeling to be still looking my age if not younger compared to the rest of them. Getting married and having a family life sure does make a person age faster.

While everyone else looked at least five years older I still look five years younger. Damn syok!

I'm thinking of installing a full length mirror near my bed so that I can look at myself first thing in the morning when I open my eyes. And, it's time to start taking collagen too - time to make a trip to the pharmacy. 

Vain? At least I still look good, that's all that matter.

Take Home Boy

A while ago I ranted about the ideal partner on my criteria of what kind of a person would get my attention or rather make me interested in him. When I made this list, I definitely missed out the following:

• If you fucking snore, I will just wake you up and show you the door of my house. I'm a light sleeper and my sleep is important, so no negotiation there - sorry dude.
• If you think you could be smart with me, as in fuck around with me, think again. 
• The rules of hierarchy as in where will you stand in my list of importance:
• My Snoopster
• My Car(s)
• My Collection
• You 
• If you have intentions of changing who I am, don't waste your time. I may be distracted for a while, but I'll get back to who I am. You can't change perfection. Now, can you? :P
• You will never get the keys to my car, I'm the only one who steers it. The only other exception is my mechanic.
• I will give you my house keys but with restricted and monitored access.
• I really hate wet showers, so if you're the kind of person who wets the entire bathroom other than the shower area, keep distance please. Thank you.

So, if you think you can't live with this list and don't fulfill all from the previous, don't waste my time. I wont nudge. 

And yes, I'm one fucking materialistic person, self-centered, vain and crude at the same time. Tell me something I don't know. 

Holey Feet

I was going through the files in my lappy when I found this file. It was taken back in 2009, two weeks after my surgery and Jace swore at me when he saw it. I was trying to be a hero an asked for a local anesthetic with the surgeon and after some persuading, he agreed. However, when I saw the blood soaked cotton ball, I think, I just fainted. LOLz

The lighting is pretty bad though and not so very clear. If only they had higher resolution cameras back then on the mobile phones.

It's been almost three years now since the surgery; the scar is still visible but the root cause has been removed. If only everything else could be removed this way.

It looks pretty scary now that I'm seeing it but I managed to survive it then not begin able to walk for a good month.
I need to regain the old me. Where do I find him?

* I hold no responsibility if the above image spoiled your breakfast, lunch, dinner or supper :P

Love Proportions

I found a rather interesting mail earlier when I was checking my mail. It was sent by a friend and read the following:

share 20% of your love with yourself,

70% of your love with family and friends,

and 10% of your love with your partner.

It got me thinking reading the mail as it actually makes perfect sense. the lesser you love someone, the lesser it hurts you back. Though 70% of it is dedicated to family and friends, but the amount each individual would get is little as it is a larger pool. This does sound like a perfect self-defense mechanism to prevent a heart break, especially if it happens at the worst of times.

And this is how I fucked myself up:

10% of my love was with me

15% went to my collection

20% is with my Snoopster

30% is with my circle of friends ( this includes my bitches, bros, and sayangs )

15% was with him

Though he got the same amount as my toys, but it is diluted as my collection is growing. The sad part was because of when things happen, I failed to make the time to spend with my Snoopster. 

Okay wait, how the hell did I come up with the proportions? Oh fuck - this is what happens when you spend too much time understanding and manipulating with number. My statistics paper is still haunting me.

Anyways, I got a call from my silversmith, the chain which I ordered for him was ready and he asked me to collect it. Picked it up earlier and it kinda hit me again, just when I was on the track of recovery. I'm such a looser for loving someone so much. :(

I do not know if I should keep it or just get rid of it. I don't feel like keeping it because it was bought with the intention of giving it to him. Then again, it doesn't make sense to just throw it into the bin. I'd prolly just sell it on ebay

SOMEDAY

I stumbled upon this clip on YouTube last night when I was searching for something. It's worth watching and it shows much more civilized our friends down south are compared to here.

These are the things that make me wonder why I'm still wasting my time in this country. But the government aside, the mentality of the people here itself doesn't warrant for such events. What this country needs first is the cure against racism, the rest will follow suit.

Maybe someday...

Memoirs

Picked up my mail earlier today and the letter box was almost full. I've hardly gone back since my brother came down and it was impossible to go back after he took my house keys. I managed to get my keys back today after a much tensed lunch.

The mail was either junk or just more bills. It was one bill after another from utilities to assessment to subscriptions and the most damaging plastic card you could ever own - the credit card. It reminded of the number from Destinys Child. Gosh, I've really aged.

I opened the envelope which was so thick that it felt almost like a pamphlet in there. The statement itself was six pages and the total amount ; well, I almost fainted.

As always I was going through the transactions made just to ensure there wasn't any unwanted charging and I noticed the amount of times I used my card whenever we went out. 

It isn't about the amount spent that upset-ted me, but the memories of the happy moments being with him then hurt more. 

All the nights out, gift and weekend spent together just flashed back right in front of me once more. I really do miss him and his company, especially on weekends. It was some of the happiest moments thus far for this year. Lucky, I do not get a statement for whatever was charged onto my debit card, else that would be another painful incident. 

I've no idea just yet as to why he waltz into my life. Part of me wants to know, but the other side is fearing for another round of emotional low. 

Whatever it is, I am happy I got to know him. He is really a nice guy and deserves someone better. I just now hope he'll keep to his words and at least just be friends. But that doesn't seem to be in the horizon as well. 

Perhaps he needs his space to wipe me off. I'll just leave it to him to contact me, whenever he is ready. He told me to keep myself available to watch brave once it premiers next week. I don't know if it'll be appropriate to ask him if he still wants to watch it together, as friends I mean...

Sleeved Traits

There are certain things in life that you just grow out of, then there are other things that doesn't seem appropriate anymore after a certain age. Also there are some things that you stop doing after meeting someone or a certain life changing incident.

Many, I know got more religious and started giving all the bull crap that how great a certain religion or faith was over the other. Posting all the social activities that they carried out. Now, if you want to do something good and feel good about it, why the fuck advertise it to the whole world? Still pondering...

Being me, I never did get into any of those sort, and I don't see myself, based on current situations, to ever will. But I did put to an end on certain things. My life has mellowed down a lot, I prefer terming it as growing up since I'm not matured, but others define it as boring. Whatever it may be, I had my reasons for doing so and I have had no regrets letting them go.

Was chatting with a friend earlier when I started mentally listing the things I've given up since. It was a pretty long list that I could come up with in a surprisingly short time.

One took a hit on me when recalled. It was a situation that supported the notion of me wanting to just forget everything and get happy for a while. I ran through my phonebook and called the last person I thought I would ever be calling. 

Minutes later he came over still looking the same as before and passed me what smelled so familiar even after many years. A fresh pack. Since I don't have my house keys thanks to my brother, I drove to a secluded area, make sure the windows were up and started rolling the way I liked it best - fat and thick. Had a few puffs and the car began to get all smoky and I could feel my fingers curling up. A feeling that I've lost memory off. 

I could not even finish a joint as it was getting so bloody saturated in the car. It started reminding me of my uni days where we used to pass round a joint in the room and everyone got all high and doing stupid things - good old days. 

I was just embracing the moment and when it hit me. What the fuck am I doing! My Suzi now stinks and she is sure going in tomorrow for sterilization. The trip to the car wash is going to be hell.

Do old habits really die hard or it's just bad string of events that causes you to seek solace and run to the most deeply buried hidden secrets? It did feel good then, but I'm now nursing a bang in my head. It's post three and I should be sleeping. 

Internal Stories

It's almost two weeks now since he broke the news to me. I am now in a position to believe that I have caused what has happened to me. Some of my rantings prior to the incident was picked up and it hurt him; thus his reaction. There is no one to be blamed or fingers pointed to as it was and is my fault that caused me this. I have no defense and I don't want to defend anything other than I was missing him so much that I fucked things up myself and am now crying for it. From our last dinner conversation I hate with him, it was pretty clear that he was really upset and has made up his mind to not reconsider. 

One thing that I learned since he waltz into my life and changed things up for a while was it is very important to make sure you know how the other person perceives matters. Like for instance, we have both have very different perception when it comes to decision making. For me, discussing before coming to a conclusion is more important as the decision is then a mutual one where both parties agree. He on the other hand, prefers me to let him know what I want and he then decides to agree or not on the matter. It's is something I wouldn't do as I deem that to not be democratic at all as it'll create a more dominant force between two. It's all matters of perception.

Likewise, he defines maturity as someone who stands firm on a decision. And by that, it's more of a situation whereby once a thought has been addressed, it should not be changed. Me, however can change things based on situation build up. I've been trained to work around obstacles during my moulding years and work on a probability concept. It is something which I've since learned that most people don't get with. Many who think they know me think that I do not know what I want. In actual fact, I do. I know what I want. But because of the way my mind works, I have many things in my head with different percentage of level of importance. And what I plan today will and may be changed tomorrow depending on the circumstances then.

For me, it's like I have a 'to do list' but the items on my list are not in order. I will do what and when it is most feasible. He however works on that list in a particular order. Due to our different approach, he sees me as someone who is immature. Also, when I weigh and make a change to a certain decision once it has been made, he sees me as a person who doesn't stand on firm grounds. For me, it's not about being uncertain, but basing on situation and choosing what is best. So at times, what I plan to do five minutes before may be different five minutes down the road. And no matter what anyone says, I find this method to be most useful for me, as I need to make many last minute decisions for work depending on the level of severity. But I still make sure that I get my days job done by the end of the day. 

All these has actually let us to form a rift. I no longer have him by my side or stand a chance of getting him. I do really miss him a lot and I may be living in denial hoping that I'll get a second chance. 

I have no idea why he came into my life, but one thing is for sure. I truly appreciate his presence for when he was in it. I at least know there I still have some warmth in me as I miss lying on his chest and hear his heart beat while feeling his ever soft breath of my face.

Dear, you always asked me what I loved so much in you. If you really want to know, after everything that happened to me, you brought back life into me. I feel feelings once more, experienced being happy, cared for and the list could go on. My first paper is in a day and I really wish I had you to stand by me. You gave me strength and a reason to believe in myself the last time around. Now, I feel alone and scared. 

I really miss you and I hope we  can start over again. But I guess that is just wishful thinking...

Weird Conversation

As I was walking to my car after work last night, I just thought of calling my dad to say hi. It's been a long time since I spoke to him or went out. Furthermore, I even totally forgot about his birthday as I was swamped by work later last month. Not that I care much about birthdays, but just for courtesy sake.

While we were talking, I asked him where he currently was and he told me that he is here in Malaysia, and I was suddenly all excited that it may be a chance to catch up with him. But, he had to continue that he was leaving on a business trip this morning and will be away for another couple of weeks. It's a good timing no doubt, as my exams would be over by then and I should have more time to spend with him. But then again, spending too much time with him will lead to the same question as to why I do not want to join him in his business and if I'm seeing anyone. I could answer the former, but I'm not sure how would I answer the latter to him considering the still vulnerable stage I am in right now.

Wanting to change the topic, I asked him what brought him to town. And that's when he started telling me stuff. He came back for a medical check up and was informed that he is suspected for some kidney related shit. He has since gone for a second and third opinion and the general consensus says the same. The doctors suggested dialysis for him, but he doesn't want as it'll impact his mobility and run the business. Honestly, I know that isn't the reason. Dad has somehow given up on many things including his own well being since the divorce. When I asked him what his next step was, he just said in a low spirited voice that he'll continue the prescribed medication and see how things shape up. 

We just continued talking crap for a bit when he brought up the topic of the will. I've always made it clear to my father that I'm not interested neither his money nor his property. I'm contended with what I have. When I brushed off the idea of his, he got quite defensive of the situation and said certain things that I didn't want to hear. Not now, not ever.

Anyways, after a long argument, I just told him to do whatever as he pleases and ended the call. As I was driving back, I was just thinking of whatever he said. Maybe I was just to harsh on him. I think the dinner would be a good idea and let him do whatever he wants with his money. Whether or not I accept it is a different story. 

A charitable organization wouldn't be that bad a consideration to pass the ball to.

Exam Stress

My finals begin next week. I've got so much to do and my brother is still around. I barely have time to study. I'm beginning to panic and freak out. I have so many tasks on hand and I don't see myself with time to study at all. I just don't know what's going to happen.

My manager asked me to go for a networking event tomorrow morning, I tried to turn her down but she is one lady that doesn't want to take no for an answer. At the end, I had to give in as part of a negotiation for what I asked from my director last week.

I'm going to see my reverend tomorrow afternoon. He called me earlier to let me know that the talisman for him has been blessed. I'm not sure if I should tell my reverend that it's all over or I should take it and ask him if he still wants it. I mean, he was the one who asked me why I didn't get him one the other time when he saw me wearing one after visiting my reverend just prior to Wesak day. I don't know to garner the courage to not break down in front of my reverend. I need to find it somewhere, somehow.

I just hope I don't fail my papers and have to resit them. I don't like both my lecturers this semester and it has been a bad one for me. The only thing that hasn't been slapped onto my yet is death. I don't want waking up one day to receive the news that I've lost my Snoopster. I don't think I can take it anymore. 

Thank You & Goodbye

The way I would judge someone is by his words of commitment. For instance, if you say you want to do something when, then fucking do it. Else, let me know before hand that you can't cause I don't want to be wasting my time waiting for you to do it. My time is money to me, every minute I waste waiting, is another opportunity wasted to spend some extra dollars making more. Regardless, if it's work or personal, the core still applies. 

When he decided to stab me exactly a week ago, he said that he doesn't have the same kind of feelings for me like I did for him and suggested that we remains friends instead. Though it was done is the most cowardly fashioned possible, I still expected him to keep to his words. Firstly, I should have figured what kind of a person would drop such a bomb over a chat conversation. The least anyone could do after misleading someone is to at least tell him/her in a more civil manner. After all, I was supposed to be back the next day. 

If you were such a ball-less coward who dared not say it in person to my face, then why the fuck even bother to suggest at least being friends? You are such a coward that you dare not face reality in the eye. And you very well proved that during lunch on Monday. You pulled your friend and walked away just because you saw me having lunch with my friend there. And stupid you, you thought I did not notice. I've told you many times before that I'm very much aware of my surroundings though I may seem not to. What were you expecting? Me to go up to you and ask you why did you do what you did? Dude, I wouldn't do that. I'm not that low and uncivil. You meant something to me, but you didn't as much for me to be crying over you for the rest of my life. I got over Jace, how hard do you think it'll be for me to forget you?!

And next time, don't ask people to commit to something you can't yourself. Stop misleading and being a leech. Also, don't be such a coward. Have the decency to face the truth like a real man. And being gay doesn't make you any lesser of a man. It's your attitude that matter, not your gender!

Thank you for letting me know who you really are much sooner. At least it saved me a bigger heart break. 

Despite all this, there is much good good in you. I wish you well with your new job and hope it all works out well for you. You may have your reasons for doing what you did and how you did it - whatever it may be. I still would't mind being your friend. I'll leave it to you to decide. After all, you always said that rule # 1 is that you have the say and Rule #2 is that I can't disagree with rule #1.

One And...

Three hundred and sixty six days ago, I got my hands into something new. It all started out as a channel to vent anonymously.

Things that amuse me, idiots that appear in your daily life, soccer moms driving like they had corn cobs stuck between their legs during rush hour, and, not forgetting men that drive like pussies took center stage. The main intention never changed and still remains the same but with a slight sideline or detour every once in a while.

Along the course of the year, I made new friends with people I never knew existed before. TULS was my first publicly self-declared awesome stalker, followed by the rest of the awesome stalkers. All the silent readers that came along the way and keep on building - thanks for reading.

I do not know the future of this blog as I am thinking of ending it. The post effects of meeting him and how things are shaping up is just making me to feel like going off radar.

Til the day I make that decision, I guess it's Happy 1st Anniversary to TheAsianBoi and thank you lovely peeps who have since labelled me as the gangsta.

I can't wait to go back to Penang and play with my Snoopster; I miss that furry four legged boy of mine

The End

When I woke up this morning, I told myself that there were certain things that I would do first. First, I decided to delete my Jack'd account once more. One night stands is not who I am, not at least anymore. So, I very well made sure I deleted it first thing.

While I was on my way to work, I decided to message him. As much as I wanted to not do so, I couldn't get myself to do it, reason - I love this guy. And I realized that I was missing so much that I could not cheat myself that I was silently counting down for the day i would be going back to Penang so that we could meet up. Little did I know, that things would change.

This was what happened this morning between him and me

hey...

good morning

how have you been?

morning

so far fine

u?

missing you like crazy

how come i didnt hear from you?

i also didn't hear from you

i was waiting for you

but i can't stay without talking to you

lol

is this so call a testing?

what were you testing me for?

i already know how i feel towards you

but i dont know if you feel the same towards me

and truth be told, im scared ill be hurt soon

yes..you had once set the dead line to me, to let you know my answer end of June after your exam.but know you seem wanna know it. i think we better be friends instead of leap into further relationship. to be honest, i dont have those feeling toward you. I had try but seem like cannot! i dont want to hurt you more, i think i better make it clear now. wish you find  your true love soon, you deserve someone better

I was in office and at work by the time the last message came in and I didn't read it until almost lunch. When I saw it, I just got dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. I just thank him for his honesty. It certainly does take a lot of courage to say it to someone.

I just went down bought myself a pack of cigarettes and smoked my lungs away; something I stopped since I got here in KL. I wanted to go back to him and tell him that I've managed to stop smoking - something he wanted me to do.

An hour later, I got back into office and locked myself in the boardroom and was staring blank while I could not control my tears. While at it, I told my a prospect of mine to Fuck off and screwed a deal worth 1 million.

I can't think or function properly anymore. I just don't know what or how I should I react. I told me myself that I will not get into any other relationship mess after Jace; I turned down many until I met him and I don't even know how and when, But I opened my heart once more. The only thing I know is I've been crying all afternoon. I called my grandmother earlier, the only thing she heard was me crying. I couldn't help myself. And before I knew it, she was crying on the other end of the phone too.

Soul232 and Tuls - thanks guys for being there for me earlier.I just am not in control of myself and and I don't know how to react.

Dear,

I know you know of my blog and you've read it. I just want you to know that I'm not angry at you. I fully understand that these are matters of the heart and it does end up this way. 

All I want is one last chance to meet up with you. I need a closure. I hear you, that it'll not be easy for you, but please - I need it. I can't go on this way. I was so looking forward to coming back and spending time with you, but now, I just don't feel like driving back. The journey back is not going to be easy. 

If I could turn back time, I would not have let my friend initiate the conversation with you. I'd rather not have know you than to go through this now. But I can't undo that - life goes on and the only button available is the play button; nothing else. 

If I don't get the chance to meet you. I just want to say thank you for the all the happiness that you brought for me since we met; to let me feel once more how is it like to have someone by your side, for having faith in me when I didn't myself during my tests. You made me realize how nice is it like to have feelings once more and not be cold and empty.

Our weekend together, I really appreciate it and I know how much of a sacrifice you made as it was mother's day weekend, especially since you are very close to your parents. It was one of the best times I've had for a long time

I know that I'm not the perfect boyfriend material, but when I told you I love you, I meant every word of it. I can't go on more  though I have so much more I want to say to you. I've been crying all afternoon and I've got puffy eyes now. 

I still love you and I'm not angry. Take care Dear and I hope you find someone soon. He who wins your heart deserves it; you are worth it.

Love,

Kevin

I really can't go on anymore; I've cried too much and I still can't stop. I find it hard to believe the the 366th day since I started ranting would be like this. I never had imagined this at all. Not at all. Life goes on, but I now wish mine doesn't. I don't want to see the sun rise.