The End

When I woke up this morning, I told myself that there were certain things that I would do first. First, I decided to delete my Jack'd account once more. One night stands is not who I am, not at least anymore. So, I very well made sure I deleted it first thing.

While I was on my way to work, I decided to message him. As much as I wanted to not do so, I couldn't get myself to do it, reason - I love this guy. And I realized that I was missing so much that I could not cheat myself that I was silently counting down for the day i would be going back to Penang so that we could meet up. Little did I know, that things would change.

This was what happened this morning between him and me

hey...

good morning

how have you been?

morning

so far fine

u?

missing you like crazy

how come i didnt hear from you?

i also didn't hear from you

i was waiting for you

but i can't stay without talking to you

lol

is this so call a testing?

what were you testing me for?

i already know how i feel towards you

but i dont know if you feel the same towards me

and truth be told, im scared ill be hurt soon

yes..you had once set the dead line to me, to let you know my answer end of June after your exam.but know you seem wanna know it. i think we better be friends instead of leap into further relationship. to be honest, i dont have those feeling toward you. I had try but seem like cannot! i dont want to hurt you more, i think i better make it clear now. wish you find  your true love soon, you deserve someone better

I was in office and at work by the time the last message came in and I didn't read it until almost lunch. When I saw it, I just got dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. I just thank him for his honesty. It certainly does take a lot of courage to say it to someone.

I just went down bought myself a pack of cigarettes and smoked my lungs away; something I stopped since I got here in KL. I wanted to go back to him and tell him that I've managed to stop smoking - something he wanted me to do.

An hour later, I got back into office and locked myself in the boardroom and was staring blank while I could not control my tears. While at it, I told my a prospect of mine to Fuck off and screwed a deal worth 1 million.

I can't think or function properly anymore. I just don't know what or how I should I react. I told me myself that I will not get into any other relationship mess after Jace; I turned down many until I met him and I don't even know how and when, But I opened my heart once more. The only thing I know is I've been crying all afternoon. I called my grandmother earlier, the only thing she heard was me crying. I couldn't help myself. And before I knew it, she was crying on the other end of the phone too.

Soul232 and Tuls - thanks guys for being there for me earlier.I just am not in control of myself and and I don't know how to react.

Dear,

I know you know of my blog and you've read it. I just want you to know that I'm not angry at you. I fully understand that these are matters of the heart and it does end up this way. 

All I want is one last chance to meet up with you. I need a closure. I hear you, that it'll not be easy for you, but please - I need it. I can't go on this way. I was so looking forward to coming back and spending time with you, but now, I just don't feel like driving back. The journey back is not going to be easy. 

If I could turn back time, I would not have let my friend initiate the conversation with you. I'd rather not have know you than to go through this now. But I can't undo that - life goes on and the only button available is the play button; nothing else. 

If I don't get the chance to meet you. I just want to say thank you for the all the happiness that you brought for me since we met; to let me feel once more how is it like to have someone by your side, for having faith in me when I didn't myself during my tests. You made me realize how nice is it like to have feelings once more and not be cold and empty.

Our weekend together, I really appreciate it and I know how much of a sacrifice you made as it was mother's day weekend, especially since you are very close to your parents. It was one of the best times I've had for a long time

I know that I'm not the perfect boyfriend material, but when I told you I love you, I meant every word of it. I can't go on more  though I have so much more I want to say to you. I've been crying all afternoon and I've got puffy eyes now. 

I still love you and I'm not angry. Take care Dear and I hope you find someone soon. He who wins your heart deserves it; you are worth it.

Love,

Kevin

I really can't go on anymore; I've cried too much and I still can't stop. I find it hard to believe the the 366th day since I started ranting would be like this. I never had imagined this at all. Not at all. Life goes on, but I now wish mine doesn't. I don't want to see the sun rise.