Expectations

There is nothing that you do without having expectations out of it. Just as there is a reaction for every action. Whatever it may be, there is no exception out if it, so I would say and choose to believe.

Yes, I had expectations when I got to know him. All the time we spent, I was expecting him to get closer and warmer. I did not expect anything physical from him, but I did expect for him to get fonder and for us to get closer. The expectation that got wrong was expecting an 'us' between him and me. Was I expecting too much? I don't think so, based on what we shared. How could I have been expecting anything, it was something I should not have done. But then again, isn't expectations that drive us to do anything, short or long term. Someone close once told me when I was jolly well residing in my freezer, to warm up and have hope. I still like my freezer; where the only person concern is me, myself and I.

It's been two days now that I did not message him and I never got any from him. 

Yes, I am still silently expecting for a message from him. A simple hi would go a thousand miles, but reality is none came. It's time to grasp reality and move on. Something I so don't want at this point of time especially since my exams are around the corner. The semester has not failed to bring together all the ingredients for a perfect disaster. I have reached the point where I would be contended if I don't have to resit these papers.

My mind is made up, I'm heading back up north this Saturday and I will ask him out. Ask him out to put everything to an end and walk away without turning back.

Hopefully, there would be someone waiting at the end of the street to just give me a hug. Now, that is something I'm expecting for and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't happen. 

I just wished my late grandfather was still around. I could so use a conversation with him and I still miss him to date though he's departed since 2005. :'(

Six Inches None the Shorter

While I was driving back from dinner last night, I was chatting with ma two lovely bitches. As usual, the only conversation that actively goes on has got to do with sex, otherwise its dead boring.

Coming to think about it, the only conversation we had throughout yesterday was only revolving sex. At first, it was the discussion about having a full sized mirror to watch yourself in action, followed by the cute guy on the LRT and then using the mobile phone as a vibrator and finally, the mother of all topics - size.

I am not a true believer of size, I strongly believe that skill matters more. 

I fall into the median of the normal distribution as far as size is concern and I have no issues with it.  Wanted it bigger? At times yea, but then again I'm happy with what I have. Afterall, I am Asian and I don't want to be out of proportion.

Even the Romans had it miniature sized..hah!

Found this chart of Google; no comments on it though...

Back On

I've made up my mind. I am not going to let my mind take control of my thoughts. The last one month of being nice is more than enough when there isn't any progress.

Tuls - I'm heeding your advice despite the fact that I still like him. I'm am going to be me, the bastard who doesn't give a rats ass to any fucking wankers and live my life, kononnya the fearless Kevin, and I'm going to fuck it.

Here is the public confession - I'm back on. Jack'd is re-installed in my phone and I shall live my life. At least, I don't lie about it. 

If you want to be with me, then let me know, else just leave me. Enough of the mind games, I'm taking no shit no more. 

Those around PJ, chat me up - we'll see where it goes. Okay, that didn't sound quite right, but yea, bitching over coffee is acceptable as a friendly gesture. LOLz

I'm now going out and not going coming back alone.

Approved Cheating

A friend asked me over dinner earlier how was it going between him and me. For a very long moment, I was just in silence as I had no answer; rather didn't know how to answer. 

I mean, I am tired of the way he treats me at times. And then, there are times when he is really very nice towards me. The cold and warm treatment is really making it very difficult for me to move on or move forward. It sucks. 

He was all nice and concern and caring the other day when I wasn't well, and then he suddenly gets really cold and hurtful.

We were talking the other day when I just told him that there was this hottie at work and I asked if it was okay for me to lap him up. He was all okay about it telling me to go ahead since we weren't serious and all the usual blas. Later, he kept on harping about me wanting to hit on my office mate and about me going to market place to asses my market value. 

What is he up to? He for sure knows that I'm really into him at this point of time and that I don't normally cheat when I'm seeing someone. 

Am I being tested or is this his way of saying "get the fuck out of my life or since you're stupid enough to be around; I'd suck whatever I can from you while you're being dumb". 

I don't like the mind games he is playing with me and I also found that he lied to me as well. He mentioned about having deactivated the applications on his mobile phone, but a friend found him to still be available there.

Should I take his words literally and that we're not exclusive, this would translate to me not being cheating on him if I were to hook up for a one night stand. I should go out more and look for quick fucks. The only problem now is my conscious. DAMMIT!

Passion-less?

I don't really know what's going on with me but I seem to be fading in my interests for almost everything. As I walk around and see things, there are just so many things that I want to rant about, but every time I sign into my account, I just don't have the mood to do so.

This is not good, I don't feel spirited at all. While I was commuting back from work the other day on the LRT now that I'm in the central region, there was this guy was trying to get my attention and I just didn't respond to him. It feels like a wasted opportunity as he was really cute. Aaargh!

I guess I'm still missing him a lot and it just feels not right to stray. I need to get over this phase really fast cause it's pulling me down and I don't like it. 

I'm not getting what I want and I'm missing on any possible opportunities. I feel sadly pathetic. SAD! 

Scrambled

As I was cruising along with my Suzi earlier this morning making my way to KL, I could not help but think of our trip last weekend, the time spent in the car, all the silly non sense we were talking about and his constant reminder asking me ease off the gas. 

So fast a week has passed and its been since we've never met. It was sweet memories that feel bitter now, so to say. 

I told myself that I will just go have fun while I'm here, but somehow the thought of it now is making me feel like  its cheating. There was another round of argument earlier.

I don't even know what I'm rambling about. I should just tuck myself and call it a night

Back

I see my space again after what feels like eternity; checked my last ranting and it was ten days ago. I just had so much going on since that to find time by the end of the day to rant was the last thing in my mind. Most often than not, it would be slept over or shared with those who are closer through other means of communication. And speaking of close, for those who are on constant contact with me knew that I was out with him last weekend and I've been sailing through rough seas off late - just too much to handle.

For some odd reason, it feels like my life has taken a 180 degree turn since March this year. I got real busy with my studies, took on a new job in a completely different field, still surviving my brother's presence who drains me out daily, or almost. Then, when things were just falling in place he appeared and took everything to a different level of twist. 

The whole episode of letting someone into my life once more was just mind blowing scary. The ability to make decisions solely based on my personal interest was compromised and dealing with that required a lot of consideration and reconsideration. All this started taking too much of my time that twenty four hours a day didn't feel enough. 

I'm quite glad now that certain things have been made much clearer on the horizon. At least the guessing the game for many have things have ended and I know exactly where I stand. It's good to know your position so that you can then plan your direction and move forward accordingly. 

I'm off to KL tomorrow morning and I am so going to just have fun for the next two weeks. It's is going to be all about me and only me without anyone else. Selfish? Definitely yes! I don't give a fuck for anyone anymore.

Lined today up since to have some me time; did some window shopping. I now have a projected target to get me an entry level coupe very soon. 

It's time to be remember to be focus and harness the remains of my youth. 

Rubber smoking time soon but first, hook-ups in KL!   

Maximum Point?

I'm so fucking tired with my Economics lecturer. The crazy old man never ends with his assignments and it's one fucking after another, week after week and I've just reached the point of depletion. I have no energy left in me. 

Work load is huge, dealing with my brother is another uphill task. On top of that, I've to deal with this old man whom I wonder if has successfully failed to realize that he is dealing with a bunch of working adult who have permanent full time jobs. Who the fuck in a right mind would give one assignment each week, every week for the past god knows how many freaking weeks.

Thanks to this idiot who has been taking up so much of time, I ended up totally neglecting the other subject and left the assignment of that to the very last minute. Knowing that most weren't having enough time, many decided to share our answers and what it really came down to over the last twenty-four hours was a mere circulation of answers and everyone was just practically copying one another just to have things done. What made matters worse was that not only were the stack of assignments due today, but there was a test as well and I barely had any time left to event think of studying.

I am now mentally prepared to score a whopping 0 for this paper as I almost spend and hour staring blank. FUCK!

To make matters worse, he isn't well himself and there was barely anything I could do to make him feel any better. I just feel so unworthy currently. 

Dammit! I hate these stupid feelings lingering around me. Hope he gets better soon.

I was out with my manager earlier this afternoon on our way to visit a client when she was digging out information about me - why do they do this post employment? 

Don't you have enough fun digging out information during the interview process?

Anyways, I think it's better for her to know more about me as well so she would not bug me and give me my required space. But she sure does have the impression that I'm one heck of a nut case and she may be silently regretting as to why the hell did she decide to offer me the post.

The only plus side to the day was wrapping up a deal for a quarter of a million with a client who has been pledging his undivided loyalty to the men in purple for the last six years. I'm sure there will be many people out there who is going to begin hating me again; like what happened in my first job. But hey, it's an open market isn't it. And the look on my managers face - priceless.

It was so clear that she wanted to know what the fuck did I say to the client yesterday when I got in contact with him and bringing the business over today. The only thing she uttered was you do lap everything in front of you, don't you? And I was like no meat shall be left wasted. If only she got what I meant....LOLz.

Time to get back to complete another assignment for the bloody old man. Aaargh!

Sugar Daddy

So I was chatting with my bitches (though I know they would unanimously deny this, but the truth is always out there :P ) last night and somewhere somehow along the conversation the topic of sugar daddies came out. As we were talking about it and deciding who would source the daddies and how we could bitch-fuck them whilst sucking out all the dosh from their pockets and putting up being seen with sagging potatoes (I know I am vain) it reminded me of the couple I met in HCM when I was there last year.

I met this Aussie guy who was prolly in his 50's going out with a rather cute Vietnamese guy (I openly admit having a thing for Vietnamese) who was in his early 30's. We were having a breakfast conversation and when the same topic came about. His point of view was that they are his sons. Like how sick is that? You accept them as your son, but you boink them non-stop afterwards? Yuck! 

And what's worse, he has his boy toys in almost every South East Asian country and they all openly know each other and are okay to be in such a relationship. How low would anyone go just to get free stuff? I don't think I could be in such a position at any given point of time.

Just the thoughts give me cold disgust shivers. Ma bitches, I'm dropping out of the idea, you guys can go ahead..HAHAHA :)

He is not around this weekend and I suddenly don't know how to spend my time. The weather is killing me and my stupid brother successfully fucked my day up-side down thanks to waking me up at four in the morning and spoiling my entire days plan.

Aaargh! I just miss him so much.....

Anata ga i naku te sabishii desu...

Go Fuck Yourself!

Here's the deal - if you think you're subscribed to the best religion in the world, go fuck yourself mate!

Keep all your hippocracy  and shove it up your ass. Do not, ever,come and talk to me about these things unless you are well prepared to answer all my questions and you preach what you say.

See,  if you can come and tell me that everyone is equal and is loved the same by your so called god, then what the fuck are you crapping to me about homosexual and bisexual are sinners. 

Dude, where the fuck is your brains?! 

Do you in your fucking right mind think that someone would want to purposely choose to live this lifestyle and go through so much of shit from wankers like you? 

Have you ever read anything about genetics? Or do you even know what it means to begin with? 

All you probably know is to fuck around town and you most likely married the bitch that you shot your sperm into and had no way to get out of the mess you created. Hence your offspring being delivered in less than nine months from the day you got married. 

Plus, don't also pretend that you're no sinner. I know that your shagging around town while your wife is running the family. I am a much better person than you as I know how to keep my pants around my waist and I don't go probing my dick into any single orifice that is available.

And yea, I'd rather go to hell where the rest of the gay people are as I for sure know that it'll be a better place than the so called heaven where you bastards would go. At least we love someone based on a humanity level irrespective of their gender unlike you retards. And dare you come and give me this fucking bullshit. Bare in mind, you were only spared because of your kid. It would not have been nice for him to see his father being trashed in public and you'd for sure not have any respect left.

So, fucking mind your own business and never, I repeat, never ever try crossing my line for you'll be sorry.

We are much stronger people that despite living with you wankers, being discriminated and unaccepted, we still go about living our lives. And yea, as much as it's so called disgusting for you to see two people of the same sex being intimate, it is the same for us to see two people of the opposite sex being intimate as well.

Remember, there are always two sides to a coin and what goes around comes around. You may have been lucky that you were always able to pick on those who are not vocal or daring, but today was not your day. You only got the tip of the iceberg and said, go thank your son else, you'd been fucked well and proper. 

Keep your religious bull to yourself! Seriously!