Post Test Blues

Today was the day that I was dreading the most; the medical check this morning and handing over my Bella to my sister. I could not sleep at all last night; was literally tossing and turning on my bed all night long. 

This is how my day practically started with the reminder stuck on my refrigerator held by a magnet.

It's supposed to be a full medical test and I opted to include a HIV screening to just to give me that extra peace of mind, but coming to think about it, it is nothing close to having a peace of mind. The anxiety of knowing that I have to wait for the lab results is just killing me from within. I'm now not sure if all those needles and blood or the test results was the bigger fear factor.

So, after a long time of sitting on my couch and reflecting of god knows what, I pulled myself up and got ready and went out to go for my test and then to KL to meet my sister. At the hospital, I had to go through all the stupid routine and finally I was able to meet the doctor where he was so eagerly waiting to draw my blood. And I swear that the effing syringe was so huge that you could have enough barbiturate in it to sedate an elephant - okay lah, maybe a little over exaggerating, but it was huge nonetheless. The doc sucked so much of blood off me, that it felt like eternity...

I immediately rushed out of the hospital as soon as it was completed and decided to drive away. Along the journey, I could not but help thinking what would the result be like.  The is a 50-50 chance for it to be either way. 

How will it be like if I'm tested positive? What are the things that would change? I'm sure my lifestyle would be effected, but to what degree. How would people who are close to me react? Would my friends start avoiding me as I'm now as good as being poisonous. All these questions were jump pouring into my head at speeds faster than the water falling from the top of Niagara. It is just too much to handle.

The only way I could stop thinking of  it was by stepping on the accelerator and driving like a crazy freak. I called my sister and told her that I'll be get there, fetch her and go to the airport and asked her to book me a flight back to Penang instead of the original plan of staying over and only returning back tomorrow with another friend.

I still can't get it out of my mind, the anxiety is killing me. I am just going to go out for a drink by myself and watch the world pass by. Hopefully I can have a good sleep later to get this off my mind for now until the results are out...