Unhealed Wound

I have so many things in my mind, thing that I want to spill out, but I just don't know where and how to begin. The only thing that is very clear in my mind now is my last conversation with you on the 29th of April 2010, it still feels like it only happen yesterday though it been more than 18 months now. Your last words to me before you decided to disappear, it's not you, it's me, still lingers in my head and no matter how hard I try, I can't get it go.

Hope was I had to pull me through, and when I realized that it was fading away and the pain was too much to bear, I got myself so busy and occupied with work and stuff just so I don't think of you. It wasn't easy but somehow I managed to suppressed the feeling of emptiness within me after you left, so I thought.

Never did I realize that I was just avoiding my true emotions. The last week had been hard on me, really hard with so much to cope and it was at this point that I realized how much do I still miss and love you. I spent last night staring blankly at my ceiling, wishing that you were right next to me or at least be able to hear you as you always comforted me when I needed it and gave me courage and strength when I was weak.

There is so much more I want to write, things that I've been holding up all these while as I need to get it out, but I just don't have the energy to do it now. I can't go on further, I've already got tears rolling down my cheeks. I'm going to take a long drive. I feel broken...

I just am lost for words, something that doesn't happen all that often...

The Value of Silence

I'm just not in the mood today. 

For one, I've got a stupid headache since I woke up this morning, making studying for tomorrow's paper a worse uphill task when no one knows exactly what are the chapters that would be covered. 

In addition, while I was trying to nap this afternoon, my phone was ringing non-stop with people asking me stupid, and when I say stupid, I mean its fucking dumb right stupid questions! Like can't you go figure yourself?! 

Later, when I went for a jog I kind of tripped and just hurt myself, but it wasn't anything serious, thankfully. Though i would not have mind a fractured limb and some extended medical leave as I don't have to go back to work. And speaking about work, since when should you be pressured to make donations for people you never knew existed in the first place? I know i don't work in the main office, but at least show face a bit lah whenever I go down. Now, that when you want help, you indirectly apply pressure for help. This is so stupid, and the level of stupidity for this is the same as when you are forced to share for presents for so called colleagues for their birthdays or other stupid reasons. Like fuck off man! I don't give a rat's ass for my colleagues, you are nine to five only! Get it! It's a different story if we hang out after working hours, then there is more than a colleague relationship. But for those who don't fall in that category. Sorry, but this is how I function. Like it or not, live with it!

And yea, this is what got me to rant today actually, see, seasoning is used sparingly in any kind of cooking. They are generally used to enhance the flavor of the overall dish. And when you use too much of it, the overly present salt and pepper will tend to dominate thus spoiling the natural flavors of the main ingredient itself. To sum, it's used to complement, and not as a stand alone. 

So, at times, you say it best when you say nothing at all....

Ramblings

Overworked, underpaid, tests, assignments, deadlines,lack of sleep, inadequate amounts of Ben 10 and Sponge Bob plus extended droughts make the perfect combination for a break down. The amount of toll I subjected myself too was just unbearable anymore. I could feel my body shutting down and wanting to go into an ultra long hibernate mode. With two tests this week, I just could afford that to happen.

On Sunday evening, I could just feel my entire body tightening up, the muscles were all like beginning to lock itself up and I had to do something about it. So, I called my regular masseur and ask him for an almost immediate appointment,  but unfortunately for me, he wasn't in town. Lucky though, he asked me to contact another friend of his who was available for a session that evening. 

After a massage that felt almost forever, I could feel my body loosening up - finally! The masseur was good, like really seriously damn good. And it was the first time I agreed for an out call massage as I don't normally like strangers coming over -  imagine the anxiety. He worked on my shoulder blades and lower back and every time he asked me if the amount of pressure applied was okay, I was like "I don't feel a thing". This is how bad I was.

After a very relaxing massage, which I wished didn't have to end, I was just chatting with the masseur over some tea that I got from Vietnam the last time around I was there. As we were talking and getting to know each other, he then told me somewhere along the dotted lines that I've got a lot of sexual frustration pent up. And did advice me to channel it properly else I would end up running in circles very often. LOLz!

So here's the thing, firstly, I've told myself no more one night stands - the slut-ing days are way over. Secondly, I don't really like Penang guys though I live here; which means a close to zero probability that I'll hook up with anyone given the benefit that I would forego my stand of no more one night stands. Third, with such a busy schedule, I don't even have that much time left to socialize, how on earth am I going to go out and get lucky. Due to my studies, I'm not in a favorable position to leave this state anytime soon and I don't really want to contemplate the thought of securing a new job. Adaptation would take a while and what if i'm not happy with the new environment, not like the current is any good, but....sigh...

Anyways, I slept like a baby that night, woke up really late yesterday, studied for a while and continued sleeping once more. I woke up just on time to go for my test, had a writing marathon for the test. I mean, who asks for five essay questions to be in answered in two and a half hours? Came back, replied a few emails and slept again.

Now I've to prepare for my finance paper this Thursday. A food trip to Malacca for the weekend seems to be a very sensible idea at this moment.

On another note, my big brother, Calvin, told me that I'm the third person on his roll that is using the date as a title and would very well be the second to use posting number if I decided to do that, I'll therefore go back to non sense making titles 'til I figure out a much lazier option for a title.

Frustrated

I am so bloody frustrated!

Aaaarggh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's like I can't register anything in my head. I just get blank once I close my books and my test is tomorrow. Why can't I register whatever I study?!

In addition to that, I've got so many pending things to do and why can't people understand that if you're on leave, bloody leave the person alone. Why do you approve my leave and then still expect me to support?

It's gotten so bad that I'm getting nightmares every night when I sleep that I'm failing my papers. And it wakes me up in the middle of the night and I can't go back to sleep again for hours. And the fucking weather is so hot that it's only making things worst!

I'm becoming such a bitch and its only mid semester! Aaargh!!!!

11.12.11: Twist Twist

Yesterday was a day filled with a lot of unexpected events.

Firstly, there were like three hot guys at the place where I normally go for my jogs. For a place that's normally filled with uncles, it was such a retreat. 

The first guy who was jogging was such a pleasing eye-candy. Better, he had a tattoo on his right arm. Height to body weight ratio also just nice. Yum! 

The second guy was not as hot as the first guy, but still pleasant to the eye, no body art though. 

Sadly though, these two were jogging in the opposite direction, so it was only limited to a very few precious seconds of treats.

The third guy, had the stamina of a stallion - damn! I could not keep up with him for long.  But the view of  him jogging (more like running) in front of me was hmmm....nice. Gosh I'm sounding like a whore in my head now. I guess it's due to the extended drought. Anyways, I think he was like with some uniform body as he was going and going like an energizer bunny - fit,fast,hot,nice tanned skin: killer combination wei!

Later in the evening, when I was about to get into a very healthy family debate with my grandmother about her daughter, my childhood friend called me at the right time, like it was god sent. The conversation went on something like this:

Hey, whatsup?

Where are you?

Penang lah

Where in Penang?

At home...

What are you doing?

Nothing important

Good, let's go Ferringhi and buy DVD's

Now?? Okay lah...you come fetch me

Okay, I'm two blocks away from your grandma's place. See you in five

Ah? Not so soon lah, I need to change my clothes. Give me ten

No need lah, you won't look any nicer anyways, just come out

=.= 

I'm only wearing my boxers and singlet lah. Cannot go out like this...

KK...hurry up!

K...

Later, in the car while we were driving, she went on with another thing that got me speechless...

Oh ya, my mother said...

Your mother talked about me???

Ya, she said you chose the wrong career...

Huh? Why? What made her say that?

She said you should have considered to become a radio deejay

WHAT??? Why on earth? <almost got heart attack in the car>

She said you have a composed and nice voice over the phone...

Hmm...when did your mom talk to me over the phone ah? <syok sendiri already at this stage, got admirer wei>

The other day when you called my house lah...

Oh, that was your mother ah? I thought was your sister...lolz

=.=

After our DVD shopping, we decided to stop by Straits Quay for a drink before heading home. While deciding which joint to spend my money in and avoiding kids who dress like grown-ups and patronize the place trying to look flashy, I saw this ad at one of the joints offering almost all drinks at RM 11.00 nett in-conjunction with the 11/11/2011. So that made the deciding easier and it was bottled Horgaarden all night long for only eleven bucks per bottle.

While enjoying our drinks with the occasional rain water hitting our faces, depending on the wind direction, I bumped into one of my ex, whose a friend of my friend. She ( yes, I did date girls when I was still not being sure of myself and experimenting) was so annoying, like can't you get over and grow up? It's been so long since we broke up. She was so annoying! What a bitch!

Anyways, when were we almost done with the drinks, another mutual friend of ours called and ask for supper. From Straits Quay all the way to Pekaka just to have nasi lemak with fried chicken at one in the morning. Talk about being unhealthy! 

And we were talking cock all the way until almost four in the morning only to come back and try to sleep when my grandmother woke me up so freaking early as she wanted to go out. Aargh!

I don't have enough sleep and and there is a MOFO is drilling his fucking house non-stop since this morning. It's causing my head to feel like it's about to split open and my grandmother's maid (technically mine) just arrived today and that's a whole day of drama.

I'm really getting nervous and stressed about my test and when I don't have enough sleep, I just get so cranky. Aaaarrrrgh!!!!

11.11.11

Numerology is something really I'm not into.  I could never understand all the hype about special dates where endless amount of couples would queue up to solemnize their weddings. I mean, it's just another day on the calendar. The one thing I do admire on the guys who successfully get their other half (or should I say halves) to agree to such a date is pretty smooth, like how can you then forget your anniversary right? But then again, if you forget, sorry brother, may god have mercy on your poor soul. Even Satan himself would raise a white flag...lolz

Dates being one, the other interesting or fun fact (for me, at least) is the number it self. Like how many people out there actually believe that if you buy a certain numbered house, then you'd be having endless amount of luck. So, all you flers who didn't buy your house or lease one with your lucky number, beware - the robber is going to visit you one of these days.

Car registration plates is interesting too. Some people out there spend thousands on buying a certain number. Okay, I've to admit that I'm somewhat guilty as well here. When i got my current Suzi, I wanted a certain series of  numbers to be reflected on her registration plate, but it wasn't a pre-calculated lucky number. I still remember when I got my first car though, some many years ago, my grandmother's friend was so persistent that I should get my car registration number to be a lucky number. She was so into it that she forced me to follow her to those fortune tellers who not only spoke in some language audible to only a select few, but also sucked a fortune out of me (student days, so any money was a fortune..lolz) and get my series of lucky number. Funny thing is, the lucky number can be negotiated accordingly to what JPJ has to offer. Funny right?! Better still, after going through all the hassle with the priest and paying even more money to JPJ to have that particular registration, my car got crashed into in less than five kilometers away from the showroom. I was like what the fuck?! How can a car with my lucky number be so unlucky??? After that, all the taunters were like this is lucky number, must buy number today. =.= 

Anyhow, since I'm too lazy to always think of the appropriate title for my rants, I an going to give them the posting dates as their titles moving forward. Talk about laziness. Okay, somebody please stop time! I've to study.

Or maybe, I should just inform my lecturers that the dates they chose for the test isn't lucky, we need a later, I mean luckier, date...

Grrrr.....

My brother decided to whatsapp me yesterday and we had such an lovely conversation...

Hellooo bro, how's the engine today? Still steaming or cooled down??

Hahaha...I don't appreciate sarcasm...Lolz

Hahahaha...well, sports model like you are always on the run, a family 4x4 like me has to be there taking the beating and slowing down :) : ) : )

Missing you since I came back!!

Yaya...sponsor me tickets lah, then u can see my face...lolz

When you free lah?? Tell me so I can arrange the tickets for you. Always nice to have you around...

Hahahahaha....after my exams lah; 2nd half of Jan. Biz class tickets can ah??? SQ or EK should be fine, I'm not fussy..lolz

...

So how?? Shall I start planning how I'd be spending my time??

You're not going to spend time chillaxing with me and xxx??

Actually rite, I was thinking, since I know the roads in London better than KL, maybe Prague or Amsterdam would be nicer. I wouldn't mind to settle for Istanbul or even Nairobi :))

Oi!!! Where is my reply lah?? Give me false hope only, now I'm depressed...

I need a holiday. Moscow anyone??

      

      

I should start saving...