One And...

Three hundred and sixty six days ago, I got my hands into something new. It all started out as a channel to vent anonymously.

Things that amuse me, idiots that appear in your daily life, soccer moms driving like they had corn cobs stuck between their legs during rush hour, and, not forgetting men that drive like pussies took center stage. The main intention never changed and still remains the same but with a slight sideline or detour every once in a while.

Along the course of the year, I made new friends with people I never knew existed before. TULS was my first publicly self-declared awesome stalker, followed by the rest of the awesome stalkers. All the silent readers that came along the way and keep on building - thanks for reading.

I do not know the future of this blog as I am thinking of ending it. The post effects of meeting him and how things are shaping up is just making me to feel like going off radar.

Til the day I make that decision, I guess it's Happy 1st Anniversary to TheAsianBoi and thank you lovely peeps who have since labelled me as the gangsta.

I can't wait to go back to Penang and play with my Snoopster; I miss that furry four legged boy of mine

The End

When I woke up this morning, I told myself that there were certain things that I would do first. First, I decided to delete my Jack'd account once more. One night stands is not who I am, not at least anymore. So, I very well made sure I deleted it first thing.

While I was on my way to work, I decided to message him. As much as I wanted to not do so, I couldn't get myself to do it, reason - I love this guy. And I realized that I was missing so much that I could not cheat myself that I was silently counting down for the day i would be going back to Penang so that we could meet up. Little did I know, that things would change.

This was what happened this morning between him and me

hey...

good morning

how have you been?

morning

so far fine

u?

missing you like crazy

how come i didnt hear from you?

i also didn't hear from you

i was waiting for you

but i can't stay without talking to you

lol

is this so call a testing?

what were you testing me for?

i already know how i feel towards you

but i dont know if you feel the same towards me

and truth be told, im scared ill be hurt soon

yes..you had once set the dead line to me, to let you know my answer end of June after your exam.but know you seem wanna know it. i think we better be friends instead of leap into further relationship. to be honest, i dont have those feeling toward you. I had try but seem like cannot! i dont want to hurt you more, i think i better make it clear now. wish you find  your true love soon, you deserve someone better

I was in office and at work by the time the last message came in and I didn't read it until almost lunch. When I saw it, I just got dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. I just thank him for his honesty. It certainly does take a lot of courage to say it to someone.

I just went down bought myself a pack of cigarettes and smoked my lungs away; something I stopped since I got here in KL. I wanted to go back to him and tell him that I've managed to stop smoking - something he wanted me to do.

An hour later, I got back into office and locked myself in the boardroom and was staring blank while I could not control my tears. While at it, I told my a prospect of mine to Fuck off and screwed a deal worth 1 million.

I can't think or function properly anymore. I just don't know what or how I should I react. I told me myself that I will not get into any other relationship mess after Jace; I turned down many until I met him and I don't even know how and when, But I opened my heart once more. The only thing I know is I've been crying all afternoon. I called my grandmother earlier, the only thing she heard was me crying. I couldn't help myself. And before I knew it, she was crying on the other end of the phone too.

Soul232 and Tuls - thanks guys for being there for me earlier.I just am not in control of myself and and I don't know how to react.

Dear,

I know you know of my blog and you've read it. I just want you to know that I'm not angry at you. I fully understand that these are matters of the heart and it does end up this way. 

All I want is one last chance to meet up with you. I need a closure. I hear you, that it'll not be easy for you, but please - I need it. I can't go on this way. I was so looking forward to coming back and spending time with you, but now, I just don't feel like driving back. The journey back is not going to be easy. 

If I could turn back time, I would not have let my friend initiate the conversation with you. I'd rather not have know you than to go through this now. But I can't undo that - life goes on and the only button available is the play button; nothing else. 

If I don't get the chance to meet you. I just want to say thank you for the all the happiness that you brought for me since we met; to let me feel once more how is it like to have someone by your side, for having faith in me when I didn't myself during my tests. You made me realize how nice is it like to have feelings once more and not be cold and empty.

Our weekend together, I really appreciate it and I know how much of a sacrifice you made as it was mother's day weekend, especially since you are very close to your parents. It was one of the best times I've had for a long time

I know that I'm not the perfect boyfriend material, but when I told you I love you, I meant every word of it. I can't go on more  though I have so much more I want to say to you. I've been crying all afternoon and I've got puffy eyes now. 

I still love you and I'm not angry. Take care Dear and I hope you find someone soon. He who wins your heart deserves it; you are worth it.

Love,

Kevin

I really can't go on anymore; I've cried too much and I still can't stop. I find it hard to believe the the 366th day since I started ranting would be like this. I never had imagined this at all. Not at all. Life goes on, but I now wish mine doesn't. I don't want to see the sun rise.

Expectations

There is nothing that you do without having expectations out of it. Just as there is a reaction for every action. Whatever it may be, there is no exception out if it, so I would say and choose to believe.

Yes, I had expectations when I got to know him. All the time we spent, I was expecting him to get closer and warmer. I did not expect anything physical from him, but I did expect for him to get fonder and for us to get closer. The expectation that got wrong was expecting an 'us' between him and me. Was I expecting too much? I don't think so, based on what we shared. How could I have been expecting anything, it was something I should not have done. But then again, isn't expectations that drive us to do anything, short or long term. Someone close once told me when I was jolly well residing in my freezer, to warm up and have hope. I still like my freezer; where the only person concern is me, myself and I.

It's been two days now that I did not message him and I never got any from him. 

Yes, I am still silently expecting for a message from him. A simple hi would go a thousand miles, but reality is none came. It's time to grasp reality and move on. Something I so don't want at this point of time especially since my exams are around the corner. The semester has not failed to bring together all the ingredients for a perfect disaster. I have reached the point where I would be contended if I don't have to resit these papers.

My mind is made up, I'm heading back up north this Saturday and I will ask him out. Ask him out to put everything to an end and walk away without turning back.

Hopefully, there would be someone waiting at the end of the street to just give me a hug. Now, that is something I'm expecting for and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't happen. 

I just wished my late grandfather was still around. I could so use a conversation with him and I still miss him to date though he's departed since 2005. :'(

Six Inches None the Shorter

While I was driving back from dinner last night, I was chatting with ma two lovely bitches. As usual, the only conversation that actively goes on has got to do with sex, otherwise its dead boring.

Coming to think about it, the only conversation we had throughout yesterday was only revolving sex. At first, it was the discussion about having a full sized mirror to watch yourself in action, followed by the cute guy on the LRT and then using the mobile phone as a vibrator and finally, the mother of all topics - size.

I am not a true believer of size, I strongly believe that skill matters more. 

I fall into the median of the normal distribution as far as size is concern and I have no issues with it.  Wanted it bigger? At times yea, but then again I'm happy with what I have. Afterall, I am Asian and I don't want to be out of proportion.

Even the Romans had it miniature sized..hah!

Found this chart of Google; no comments on it though...

Back On

I've made up my mind. I am not going to let my mind take control of my thoughts. The last one month of being nice is more than enough when there isn't any progress.

Tuls - I'm heeding your advice despite the fact that I still like him. I'm am going to be me, the bastard who doesn't give a rats ass to any fucking wankers and live my life, kononnya the fearless Kevin, and I'm going to fuck it.

Here is the public confession - I'm back on. Jack'd is re-installed in my phone and I shall live my life. At least, I don't lie about it. 

If you want to be with me, then let me know, else just leave me. Enough of the mind games, I'm taking no shit no more. 

Those around PJ, chat me up - we'll see where it goes. Okay, that didn't sound quite right, but yea, bitching over coffee is acceptable as a friendly gesture. LOLz

I'm now going out and not going coming back alone.

Approved Cheating

A friend asked me over dinner earlier how was it going between him and me. For a very long moment, I was just in silence as I had no answer; rather didn't know how to answer. 

I mean, I am tired of the way he treats me at times. And then, there are times when he is really very nice towards me. The cold and warm treatment is really making it very difficult for me to move on or move forward. It sucks. 

He was all nice and concern and caring the other day when I wasn't well, and then he suddenly gets really cold and hurtful.

We were talking the other day when I just told him that there was this hottie at work and I asked if it was okay for me to lap him up. He was all okay about it telling me to go ahead since we weren't serious and all the usual blas. Later, he kept on harping about me wanting to hit on my office mate and about me going to market place to asses my market value. 

What is he up to? He for sure knows that I'm really into him at this point of time and that I don't normally cheat when I'm seeing someone. 

Am I being tested or is this his way of saying "get the fuck out of my life or since you're stupid enough to be around; I'd suck whatever I can from you while you're being dumb". 

I don't like the mind games he is playing with me and I also found that he lied to me as well. He mentioned about having deactivated the applications on his mobile phone, but a friend found him to still be available there.

Should I take his words literally and that we're not exclusive, this would translate to me not being cheating on him if I were to hook up for a one night stand. I should go out more and look for quick fucks. The only problem now is my conscious. DAMMIT!

Passion-less?

I don't really know what's going on with me but I seem to be fading in my interests for almost everything. As I walk around and see things, there are just so many things that I want to rant about, but every time I sign into my account, I just don't have the mood to do so.

This is not good, I don't feel spirited at all. While I was commuting back from work the other day on the LRT now that I'm in the central region, there was this guy was trying to get my attention and I just didn't respond to him. It feels like a wasted opportunity as he was really cute. Aaargh!

I guess I'm still missing him a lot and it just feels not right to stray. I need to get over this phase really fast cause it's pulling me down and I don't like it. 

I'm not getting what I want and I'm missing on any possible opportunities. I feel sadly pathetic. SAD!