Healing Wounds

It's been two months now that things ended between us. A lot has happened since with many nights of tear shedding along the process of emotional lows. 

At least I know I'm on the right track of recovery but I do admit that I'm not fully recovered just yet. It's funny how it's taking a longer period to get over someone rather than to fall in love with that person. Certain things in life just don't make much sense.

While I still do miss him occasionally and am so tempted to touch base with him, I've to constantly remind myself to not do it. He has made it very clear that he has moved on and that I need to get a grip of myself and get along with life. It always made me wonder how do some people have the ability to move on so fast in life. It's one thing I can't - prolly it's the Libra in me.

But anyways, I'm just so lucky to have some great friends who were there by my side all the time and never got tired of listening and consoling me whenever needed.

Don't want to think too much. Three more days and I'm off. Still haven't really decided on much currency to change. I hope the ringgit, which barely happens, to get stronger just so I could benefit. I might stand a better chance if i were to hope for the rupiah to drop instead. 

Time for my mask.

Accepting Reality

So I got my results late last week and I'm trying very hard to not think about it. The results from this semester is so bad that I'd classify it as " as good as failing". However, the thought is still lingering and I find it hard to accept it as I've never gotten such terrible grades before. 

I was talking with a friend over dinner about this and he suggested that I may consider putting the blame on someone else for such degrading results. I tried to think what could be the reason for me to blame it upon, but I could just not simply think of any.

I do know that I wasn't in the best frame of mind when I was going for my papers but I don't think I can blame him for choosing the exam period to end things between us. Ideally, I'd like to point fingers at my brother, but it isn't his fault either. 

It was my choices made then that caused this. The only thing to do now is to accept reality and work harder for my coming semester. The only consolation I have from my grades is that I don't have to see either of the lecturers from the previous semester again. 

It was one semester where nothing happened right and I had the perfect combination for a disaster to happen. I just am glad it's all over now and hopefully the coming one is better. I've decided to get my hands involved in juggling three papers and a full time job that wears me out daily. Let's see if I can push myself to new limits.

Countdown

It's time to do my final countdown, five more working days and I'm off. I can't wait to get into some serious  cheap shopping. 

I've manged to get all my bookings sorted and now what is left it to pack and change currency. Since I'm planning to shop, I don't really see the point of bringing much stuff along. I might just only bring along my toiletries which should not take up much space, hopefully, though many would choose to disagree with my product range. 

I do not plan to use my credit card whilst being away as I've already done enough damage on it over the weekend thanks to Ebay and Paypal who made shopping so convenient - damn the internet. Got a little overboard shopping for my models and now I'm thinking of the damage caused plus I need to arrange for it to be delivered to my friend's place since I won't be around. Her mother is already not happy as some of my mails have been redirected there off late and she has to now look out for my mail in her letter box too.

Anyways, since I'm not bringing my plastics over, I've to ensure that I bring enough cash for my expenditure and not run out half way through. I still can't decide on how much to bring along or rather,say how much do I plan to invest in buying the basic necessities for me to sustain myself. I guess I should just draw lots instead in deciding on the amount needed to be exchanged.

I've to also work on my bargaining skills as I've not been buying stuff off places where the price is negotiated. This is one area where I successfully fail. And besides, the language barrier is going to make it all the more challenging. 

I'm so looking forward for a week without any laptops, mobile phones or any sort of device that can be used to track me down. I've to call up DiGi and make sure that my roaming is deactivated while I'm away. I don't want anymore calls; the phone ringing non stop last week was bad enough.

Time to start packing. Less clothes, more libido. Yes!

Disorder?

I have moved back to my little hideaway nest, away from everyone where I get to spend time all by myself and only go out if when I want to. It does certainly feel good to be back home after so long being forced to be around since my brother hid my keys.

It's really an uphill task cleaning up the place to level where it is humanly habitable. I've not been able to clean my house since the end of march and it is really dirty. Though I've got most of the cleaning up done, I'm still not satisfied. 

Was chatting with a friend the other day when he mentioned that I've got OCD. Brushed it off. Then another friend who came by for dinner caught me in the act of cleaning the power points with a cotton bud and told me that I need professional help. :(

I do admit that I'm quite a clean freak, but where is the line drawn? For me, I don't think disinfecting your house is overboard or cleaning the power points with a cotton bud is overboard. I mean, how annoying is it to see dust in them. 

In fact, using high pressure steam to clean your bathroom should be the proper way to clean the wall tiles especially in the shower room. But many digress.

Now, I'm really beginning to wonder if i do need help or it is just acceptable to have my place cleaned the way I want it. And mopping the floor every alternate day is perfectly normal. The society we live in. Sigh...

Lost Heaven

Finally, got back!

I never had imagined that I would miss my house this much the day, slightly over four years ago, when I got my keys from the developer.

It just feels so nice to be back in an environment where I have all the space to myself. Listening to the water flowing from the pool below with soft jazz music in the background and relaxing in a candle lit environment. The peace and tranquility is just what I need right now. It feels like I'm now at some getaway without all the unwanted trouble. The place needs some minor scuffing and it'll be as good as new.

I also now have the intention of installing timber flooring for my house as one of my clients is in this business and he told me that he would make me a deal. no harm exploring that option. 

This is the time to just sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the evening with my wine.

Another worthy news came by earlier; I got my scholarship. This means I'll have more money to shop next week. Woohoo!

Smoother Drive

Driving is really stressful with all those idiots on the road. It gets worse during weekends when you get the weekend drivers on the road together with a whole lot of mothers and their monsters in the cars.

But they are not the worse of the lot. 

The real road hazards are those bitches that wear the overly sized goggles and drive like cunts on the road. 

The roads would certainly be a better place when female drivers are banned and men who drive like they've got cunts in between their legs rather than dicks too. 

Subject Matter

Someone told me that I attack certain people on personal levels which is not appropriate, but rather should target the matter. I tried to comprehend it, but I still can't grasp the idea behind it.

For me, there is always a person behind any matter. So, why spare the person and talk about the matter. When you discuss the matter, it hardly fixes the problem as the person behind it is still at large and could still go about causing the same shit at a different time. 

For instance, corruption is currently the talk of the town as wherever I go, I mostly hear people talking about it. but why don't they talk about the people behind this corruption and find ways to weed them off. It would certainly make the world a better place when these parasites are wiped off.

The same goes to racist bastards. I was reading an article sometime last week if not wrong about a senile old men who was making a racist statement regarding college diplomas being recognized for employment in the public sector. Retards like them ought to be send to homes for the mentally unstable as these people are worse than terrorist that can cause distress to an already fragile community.

So there you go, this is why I still think why people should be focused at rather than matters as it takes a person to cause a matter. If not for the person, the matter would not arise in the first place. Always go to the root of the cause. 

Will I continue to target at people? Only when they deserve to.

Do or Should I?

I told myself that I want to have a lazy weekend as I've been running around a lot off late. So, I decided to stay in today and just chill as the weather was fucking warm to begin with.

After a nice breakfast with a friend of toast and local coffee, I got back home and got online getting ready to laze. The reason why I did not turn on the idiot box instead is because I needed to plan for my upcoming holidays since I've not done anything other than book the flight tickets.

As I was surfing through the various sites trying to plan my days and also find for the hotels, I got an IM message from someone I least expected, Jace. It was exactly mid day when Jace messaged me. 

Hi

Hey

How are you?

Could be better, but not complaining. You?

Good...do you know what day today is?

Sunday...and it's the 15th. 

Happy Birthday!

So you remember..

Should I not? Anyways, what brings you up at the stroke of midnight to be online?

I knew I'd find you here and wanted to hear you wish me.

Ok-kay...

Whats news then? Are you two still together?

Yea, we're planning to tie the knot, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do

Why not?

I don't know. It's complicated.

Oh, take your time then. Don't rush into things that you're not sure yet.

Hey, I'm glad I managed to catch you and have you be the first person wish me. And, I'm glad you still remember.

:)

There is no reason for me to forget. 

We need to talk...

I would love to chat with you, but not right now. I'm just recovering and I don't want anything that'll stress me up further. I want some time off everything and everyone.

I got to go. Have a great day with him and say hi to mom. May all your wishes come true and you be happy always. Remember, you look best only when you smile. Take care

I really don't know why he had to come about and have that conversation. It's already difficult for me dealing with everything that is going on. 

I have so many things up my head that I forgot my friend's birthday yesterday, missed paying for my credit card and that I was supposed to catch up with another friend at KLIA this evening who is flying off.

July is not shaping up as my favourite month. My sales number are still running on a negative thanks to the idiots who fucked the invoicing last month, two of my close friends are leaving the country. There are so many birthdays that I'm forgetting to wish and I running short of cash as I jolly well forgot to submit my claim.

I got myself a replacement Blackberry as the only consolation. I can now go back to typing emails whilst driving and just hope it doesn't end up in a tragic death like the previous. 

Three more working weeks and I'm going for my holidays. Serious shopping time needed! Can't wait.

The Manganiyar Seduction

I went for this show last night after rushing all the way back from KL not knowing how many tickets I collected along the way. The one thing I can safely deduce about Malaysian drivers is that a whole host of them are such numskulls that they fucking fail to understand that the right lane is not for you to take a leisure cruise on the motorway. 

I drive fast, I admit. But I'm not reckless or dangerous on the roads. I know my car and its limits and the only traffic rule that I choose to not bother adhering to is the bloody ridiculous speed limit. 

It's gotten so stupid that it's beginning to feel like it's a cheap tactic by the current government to generate more revenue from the motorist to sustain the expenditure of the current government which seems to be looking more desperate each day in fishing for votes on the upcoming elections.

In any event, thanks to the numskulls who drive like retards on the right lane, I at least didn't fall asleep cruising along.

After a quick shower upon reaching home, I rushed to catch The Manganiyar Seduction which was held in conjunction with the Georgetown Festival. It was a real shame that there wasn't enough publicity with regards to this event as I myself almost missed it if not for being stranded in the rain earlier last week. 

The show was held over the weekend, where Friday was the inaugural performance here and last night was the closing show. The upside was that I managed to secure good seats since many weren't aware or simply not interested.

The show itself was mind blowing. I honestly have no idea if it was a musical, theater, an installation, contemporary or traditional. It was simply awesome as theater was used to create magic in music. The effect was great as it was well coordinated and you could not predict what was coming next. 

I wished there was another chance for me to witness the magic it brought once more. 

And during the show, I managed to get answer as to why the two of us didn't work out. Such an odd situation for clarity.

Its no wonder they have traveled the world. Simply Amazing

Dreams

I hardly have dreams and most often than not, I can hardly remember my dream once I'm awake. But the thing I hate most about those that I remember off, they become reality soon. 

Off late, I've been getting a lot of dreams. And they are haunting me during the day

While I was in KL the last time around, I was telling him one day that I dream that when I got back to Penang, he was with someone else. Well, it didn't exactly happen that way, but he told me that it's over even before I got back. But the point is it happened. 

Like this, many other things have taken place - things that I dream off. The only difference is some happen faster than the others.

The other night, I dream about my exam results, and as expected, I failed both my papers. Sad indeed, but I was still very much calm and composed as I've already anticipated it for the result as I was so ill prepared for my finals with all the drama that took place.

Alongside it, I've also been dreaming of him a lot; almost on a nightly basis. The dreams are very nice, but it isn't reality. And, it just fucks me up when I wake up as I can't forget it.

I just wished these dreams stop coming as they hurt me. I can't afford to be anchored down emotionally and these visual images ain't any help. Not especially the way they appear in my dream. I always see him as the warm, caring and loving person I fell in love with.

Would this dreams become reality like the ones before? 

I really don't know what I want in this case. 

I do hope that I wont fail my papers, as I don't want to see those two lecturers again for another semester.

The dreams with him, well, it were happier moments when he was warm towards me. It's not bad, but I don't think it's something that'll happen. It's better if they stop coming. It'll be easier that way.

Farewells

Over the last couple of months, I've been constantly getting messages from close friends leaving. Like why must everyone suddenly decide to leave and that too in such notice? I could so not handle this kind of drama. It's bad enough that I'm not fully back on track and when all these close people start breaking the news, it just sucks me further into a depressed more.

It all started in may when a close friend told me that he'll be leaving to Singapore end of the month for work. I knew it was in the pipeline but I was still upset as I was not in town when he was leaving and I wont be around when he is coming back next month. My only hope now to meet him is during the race, but there is so distant and I'm not used to not catching up with him for such long periods of time.

Another close buddy is leaving to Germany within the next couple of weeks. I hope I get to catch up with him before he leaves as I'd be down in KL later this week. 

The missus called me yesterday afternoon and broke the news that he got an offer in China and will be leaving at the end of this month. As much as he riles me up every time without fail, I'm gonna miss him a lot once he's gone. Meeting up with him as well is going to be real difficult. It'll be like during the time when I was in the UK and he was here and he went there just when I got back here. Life sucks!

Just when I thought three was bad, another friend informed me earlier over lunch that she got a job offer in Bangkok and is leaving too. The job would base her in there but she'd be spending most of her time in Australia and New Zealand. 

No doubt, I'm happy for them all as they are getting out of this shit hole, but i'm just sad as these people are my close buddies and I'm having lesser of them with everyone going further. 

Feels like I'd soon be spending my weekends on Skype with these people rather than being able to hang out with them.

Maybe I should just reconsider the scholarship and study full time. But what about my grandmother. Aaaargh!

The bright side to this is that I have more places to go to with free lodging. Yea, I can live with that thought for the time being.

Mid Year

Six months of the year has passed and so much has happened. For me, I still feel like it's only March cause that's when my brother came down and my normal routine got disrupted. 

The year begin pretty well with lots of travelling, both for work and personal. The trip to Vietnam was good, near misses of flights and my London trip was the best especially that I met Jace there. Coming back from that, i was working on a new job offer which eventually I took up and that's something I have no regrets so far as I'm now working with a better manager compared to the ass kissing emotional bitch I had to deal with previously, though the workload has more than doubled.

Things took a twist in April when I met him and realized that I had fallen in love. It was a nice feel initially but then it came back to hurt greater when he decided to pull the plug. The timing for that could not have been any worse as it surface just a couple of weeks before my finals for a semester that I was already struggling to begin with. Now that the exams are over, I feel like I have too much time at my disposal, but it'll be taken up spending more hours in the office maximizing my pay check and planning my Indo trip - the last planned holiday for the year besides the Singapore night race.

The first quarter generally was colourful while the second quarter started of nice but it didn't end that way, unfortunately. If anything I learned from it was to only be stronger and never to really trust anyone.

I'm looking forward to a more optimistic second half. Hopefully I don't put my phone into the washing machine once more or have to run for my flights. 

And despite all the drama that took place, I got to know some great people along the line who was there for me standing by my side and listening to me patiently while I was at my bottom most low almost all day long and at odd hours of the night. You guys know who you are and I can't thank you enough for being there for me. *Hugz*